KSena's Journal

If you remember I didn't do that good before Midsummer. And in the end, that might have been a blessing in disguise. Which sounds weird as fuck, but hear me out here.

I was still down and a bit out of it during packing in the morning, to the point I almost pissed Peting off, because he figured I could try to see something good with the trip. And I did!! I did! Meeting my huge insane extended family is GOLD! It was what kept me going, to meet them all at my aunts as she holds her annual Midsummer party the day before Midsummer Eve.

So, once we packed (which actually went surprisingly well... very surprising!), we were on our way to meet up with my aunt and her family. One of my cousins are still globetrotting, which she's done for years, but her two siblings would be there. Those three cousins are the closest to me of all my relatives. We grew up as siblings almost, since our mothers are so close.

We hung out with my aunts husband (totally awesome!) and one of my cousins until my aunt got off work. Then we just hung out, talked and helped her. Alexandra charmed everyone that saw her, as par usual, even if she was very shy at first. Also normal. Peting left early, since he had an 8 hour drive to do from my aunts to his friend further north in the country.

Which is part of what stressed me out and left me feel totally out if it. Because now we're basically dumped at my aunts. I didn't know when my mom was going to show, and I knew she just wanted us to drive her to the next party with her gentleman caller and then we'd be abandoned at her home for Midsummer Eve. Just me and Alexandra. By ourselves. During a holiday usually celebrated with family. (Unless you are a teen or of drinking age, then you just get drunk.)

Either way, it felt really depressing and stressful. My aunt hugged me lots and kept saying her sister was insane that she didn't want to hang out with me and Alexandra on Midsummer Eve when we so rarely get to go to visit her.

A bit past 8pm Alexandra was starting to whine that she was tired and wanted to leave and go to bed. She was being very good and had stayed up more than an hour past her normal bedtime, so totally understandable. I had a ton of packing, so I asked my aunt, cousin and some more relatives to help me carry my stuff to mom's car, since she'd arrived an hour or so earlier.

And then it started. How I was supposed to drive her and her gentleman caller here and there BEFORE I could go home to moms and put me and Alexandra to bed and the things there was in the fridge for us to eat, classical Midsummer food, and this and that and I just...

I lost it a bit. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I did. So mom and aunt and one of my second cousins (that I adore) saw and heard.

Everyone hugged me and helped me and all was good. I drove off, just me and Alexandra. She was sooo tired, but was doing good and even though I said she could sleep in the car, she didn't. The phone went off twice during the drive, but I couldn't answer and drive at the same time during the evening, so I figured I'd see who it was once Alexandra was in bed.

She did great, went to bed at mom's feel asleep and all, after almost an hour (!), but that was expected when not being in her own bed.

Checking my phone while unpacking the car (headphones is the shit), it was mom that had called and texted me. She was upset I was upset and all... and when I called her she said she'd cancelled her plans with her gentleman caller so she could be with me and Alexandra.

I felt bad about that, guilty that she cancelled her plans. I had her car, but some relatives drove her home. We hugged and talked and it was all good.

We ended up having a GREAT Midsummer Eve! Probably the best one I've had in a couple of years. Ever since Peting started to go visiting his friend by himself, I'd say. I kept feeling guilty about ruining mom's plans, but it faded eventually.

My aunt and her husband came over to, and we had SUCH a good time! We really really did! Mom told me she had such a great time to, and I believe her! I could tell she wasn't just saying that.

We ended up staying with mom for a whole week! :-D Midsummer Eve and Midsummer Day just me and Alexandra. Peting joined us late late Midsummer Day. The day after that my brother dropped off his kids, and they stayed there as well for the rest of the week. FULL HOUSE! *LOL* It was great. :-D It really was. Alexandra had a blast the whole time. There was much giggling to be heard every night when them three kids was going to sleep. *LOL*

And I managed to relax to! Me, who am always stressing over one thing or another managed to STOP doing that and just... relax and hanging out with the kids. It was GREAT!

We took it easy at mom's, went to the public pool, cooked and baked together... It was WONDERFUL! I could see mom had a blast to being surrounded by all three of her grandkids at the same time, which is pretty rare.

So that whole trip ended up amazing, even if it had a very rocky start. :-)

On Sunday snowstormskies is coming here for her, by this point, annual visit! I think it's the fourth time she visits, unless I've lost count. *lol* We don't have any huge plans. Just to hang out, visit mom and go to Karlsborg's fortress. Going to be nice, I think! :-D

This entry is crossposted between LJ and DW. Comment where you are comfortable.

Oh gawd. Where to even begin with this clusterfuck of insanity that went down this weekend? Let’s see if I can. And, unless they are too personal, I will try and answer any questions in the comments.

This might be a little bit triggering, so a little warning for that.

Remember my friend that committed suicide? That I’ve mourned since July? Well. Turns out, she never did. She’s not dead.

I found this out Friday. A DM on Twitter was sent to me with a link to an LJ-post where this person had dug out the truth about the fact that my friend had faked her own suicide.

At that point, I wasn’t sure, since my friend and her had their on and off friendship, and they were on and off enemies. So I couldn’t be sure of anything at that point. I was, however, hurt to see myself being discussed in the comments. (Just to later see that the frienenimy had made a post where I was discussed…)

Because, like it or not… I did like my friend. We had a lot of fun together. I supported her through anxiety attacks, talked her out of it when her paranoia went highwire, we talked about her kid and mine, she supported me when I went through IVF to get Alexandra, we roleplayed (so much!), we fangirled, we sent letters and photos to each other, christmas-cards, birthday cards… We had a lot of fun! And it wasn’t just through chatt, we talked through Skype and called each other on the phone to.

And I was my crazy honest blunt person with her to. Wasn’t like I walked around on eggshells when talking to her, if anyone would believe that. Still, she said herself that she saw me as her best friend. She liked my honesty and bluntness and often asked for it to.

Anyway, so after I’d seen that LJ-post, I got an email. From my friend. Just a few mins after I’d read that LJ-post (and commented on it). Two emails even. And second later, a message on my IM. Just to hit the shock home, or I don’t even know.

In these emails she tried to explain why she did it. And there’s just… too much that don’t add up. And reading between the lines, which I have gotten quite good at, I can see that she don’t wanna lose me as a friend.

I just… I can’t even. How? How can I even trust her after such a thing? I feel that I don’t even know her anymore. Four years. I stood up for her, supported her, helped her for four years. And she just threw that in my face like it was worth nothing. Nothing at all.

So how come then she went through such extremes?

I have no idea. I have two sides of the story, the frienimy (friends sometimes, enemy sometimes) and hers. And to be frank, even though I don’t trust much of what my previous friend wrote me, there’s much that don’t add up from her frienemimes posts either.

And to be honest, I really don’t care. Can’t say I want anything to do with either of them.

I am so incredibly hurt right now. I don’t think I’ve been this hurt since I don’t even know when. I feel both used and abused.

I just want to curl up in a corner and hide.

Can’t have that though. The warrior viking just fights on. No stopping life from moving is it?


This entry is crossposted between LJ and DW. Comment where you are comfortable.