The dead returns...

[kseenaa]

Oh gawd. Where to even begin with this clusterfuck of insanity that went down this weekend? Let’s see if I can. And, unless they are too personal, I will try and answer any questions in the comments.

This might be a little bit triggering, so a little warning for that.

Remember my friend that committed suicide? That I’ve mourned since July? Well. Turns out, she never did. She’s not dead.

I found this out Friday. A DM on Twitter was sent to me with a link to an LJ-post where this person had dug out the truth about the fact that my friend had faked her own suicide.

At that point, I wasn’t sure, since my friend and her had their on and off friendship, and they were on and off enemies. So I couldn’t be sure of anything at that point. I was, however, hurt to see myself being discussed in the comments. (Just to later see that the frienenimy had made a post where I was discussed…)

Because, like it or not… I did like my friend. We had a lot of fun together. I supported her through anxiety attacks, talked her out of it when her paranoia went highwire, we talked about her kid and mine, she supported me when I went through IVF to get Alexandra, we roleplayed (so much!), we fangirled, we sent letters and photos to each other, christmas-cards, birthday cards… We had a lot of fun! And it wasn’t just through chatt, we talked through Skype and called each other on the phone to.

And I was my crazy honest blunt person with her to. Wasn’t like I walked around on eggshells when talking to her, if anyone would believe that. Still, she said herself that she saw me as her best friend. She liked my honesty and bluntness and often asked for it to.

Anyway, so after I’d seen that LJ-post, I got an email. From my friend. Just a few mins after I’d read that LJ-post (and commented on it). Two emails even. And second later, a message on my IM. Just to hit the shock home, or I don’t even know.

In these emails she tried to explain why she did it. And there’s just… too much that don’t add up. And reading between the lines, which I have gotten quite good at, I can see that she don’t wanna lose me as a friend.

I just… I can’t even. How? How can I even trust her after such a thing? I feel that I don’t even know her anymore. Four years. I stood up for her, supported her, helped her for four years. And she just threw that in my face like it was worth nothing. Nothing at all.

So how come then she went through such extremes?

I have no idea. I have two sides of the story, the frienimy (friends sometimes, enemy sometimes) and hers. And to be frank, even though I don’t trust much of what my previous friend wrote me, there’s much that don’t add up from her frienemimes posts either.

And to be honest, I really don’t care. Can’t say I want anything to do with either of them.

I am so incredibly hurt right now. I don’t think I’ve been this hurt since I don’t even know when. I feel both used and abused.

I just want to curl up in a corner and hide.

Can’t have that though. The warrior viking just fights on. No stopping life from moving is it?


This entry is crossposted between LJ and DW. Comment where you are comfortable.

Comments

[thywillbedone.livejournal.com]

I think I know who you mean, but it's on twitter. Anyway, reason I wanted to comment was simply to just --> *HUGS TIGHTLY*

I don't blame you for feeling like you do, and the only thing I can do is go with what's in your heart. Faking one's death isn't a laughing matter and as she explained her reasoning, you can either choose to believe her or just let her slowly back in until you feel like things are perhaps close (if not the same) as it once was.

You were always there for me giving me your opinion on the situation, and this is all that I can say. My heart, however. goes out to you, sweetie. I am so sorry this was done to you.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

No.

It's not only on Twitter. It's here to. And on Facebook. She burned every bridge she ever had. I'm so done, you have no idea.

[thywillbedone.livejournal.com]

Then you're done, simple as that. You are more than entitled to feel like you do, because, to me, there would have to be ONE DAMN GOOD EXCUSE, why you'd fake your death.

I won't even ask, because this isn't me that's owened an explanation, but if that's your decision, then stick to it and let it go. Do NOT let this become your fault. because you certainly never pushed anyone to lie.

And if they used you as the excuse, then they have other issues that clearly need medical attention.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Oh, I've heard both sides no. And there's really no excuse, even though they both think there is. But me being on the sidelines I see it differently I suppose. I've forgiven so so much during the years, but this? I can't. I just can't.

At least I wasn't the excuse for doing this, it wasn't aimed at me. But I was still hurt like hell.

[thywillbedone.livejournal.com]

Of course it did. There honestly IS no excuse for doing something like this, and if it's for popularity or to cry wolf for attention, then it's even more unforgivable.

You listened and you are more than entitled to feel hurt, and it's YOUR choice, whether to forgive or not. I'd feel pretty hurt and I would be scared to trust again, but after the stuff *I've* been through, I honestly can't afford to keep people around that do nothing but stress me out. Some friends are worth stressing over, but others just exhaust me when I get nothing in return but heartache.

She should respect your decision, and allow the hurt to heal. if it ever does. *hugs*

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Well, as mentioned I my ex-friend contacted me with two emails, and she got ONE answer me cutting everything off. The frienemy mailed me one email as well, that is the length of a novel, and she'll get one answer to. Then I'm done and they'll get nothing at all from me.

I mean, I have a life and a family and a job to deal with. I got no time for this! And it just hurts me to!

[thywillbedone.livejournal.com]

You do what you need to do to get through this. dear. No one deserves to be treated like this. It's one thing to announce it beforehand, and even so, I just don't like the idea of someone faking their own death unless it was to protect themselves from some threat and it's for their survival, so that they can start anew somewhere else.

Which in that respect, you can't TELL anyone, but since I won't ask the details, I just think you'd have been understanding if THAT had been the case, rather than someone simply just doing this for whatever other reason.

Everyone has their reasons, not always the right moral ones. but still their reasons. It's up to us how we'll react to them, and if it's still worth salvaging.

I understand your pov and of course. your life/health/family simply come first before anything else. Stick to your choice and live with it, just like she'll have to now.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Had that been the case, and she'd really been in danger, true danger. I would have believed her. But, there's danger and there's danger, isn't there? Some of it is, unfortunately just in your head. Which you can't get rid off. Without proper help. :-/ I've been beyond understanding of all her problems. I've seen her paranoia go high and low in periods. And I just can't do it any more. A limit has been reached. And crossed... no, even crashed right through. And my limits are pretty big usually, but yeah...

[volare.livejournal.com]

Ugh, just ugh. I'm sorry this crap landed on you, you don't deserve to have to deal with this kind of bullshit when you've been there for someone for so long and they can still put you through hell without a care.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I got a mail that she still claims she sees me as her best friend. Yeah, right. I don't really feel like that when she does something like this, let me tell you. Even if it wasn't aimed at me. I've forgiven much during the years, but this is just one big step to far.

[hexenhasel.livejournal.com]

O.M.G. D:

No wonder you've been so out of sorts.

I don't even know what to say. You have every right to be pissed off with this person.

Wow.

*hugs you* I'm so sorry, bb. You don't need that in your life.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

It was never really aimed at me, and I know this. But she still did it without thinking of any consequences. Still, she claims she sees me as her best friend. No. Just no. You just do not DO anything like this! And, you're right. I really REALLY don't need that in my life. :-/

[shapinglight]

What a horrible thing to happen.

:Big hugs:

I really don't know what else to say.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Yeah, pretty much. :-/ *hugs*

[steinsgrrl.livejournal.com]

No, there's no stopping, but you sure can step back and take some time to lick your wounds. No one would blame you for that.

I apologize again for discussing you. I didn't think I was doing anything wrong in saying in that post that I felt horrible because I knew you would be hurt by this, but I am sorry.

I don't know what else to say. I don't even know if you trust me, since you know I'm friends with the "frienemy," but I have been friends with her for many years and didn't have a reason to disbelieve her. It's hard that your friend doing something like this rather reinforces some of the things my friend was saying, but it's true that I only have her side of things.

My instinct at this point would be to not trust someone who could inflict that amount of pain on me. But that's me and my reactions. I just don't want you to get hurt again, because I am your friend and I hate that someone gutted you like this. I wish I knew better what to say, or even if I should just shut up, but I wish you a way to feel better and send you hugs.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

None of them mean anything to me any more. I've had my say in this post. I am done. I am so done with them both you have NO idea. And want nothing to do with either of them.

I don't mind at all that you're friends with one of them. That's you and your friendship and I have no say in that. *shrug*

When I saw that post I was so incredibly hurt and confused that me even being mentioned hurt, even if I know you didn't mean anything by it. I know that.

Right now I am dealing with the influx of emails in my inbox. The ones from Tashé, that I answered cutting everything off. And then one from your friend after she saw this, that is seriously the length of a damn novel. So it'll take some time to answer that. One answer each. And then they'll get NOTHING else from me. Nothing. Nada. No mentions in my LJ nor Twitter any more. No emails. No comments. Nothing.

As been said in other comments here, I really don't need this. THEY need professional help. Me = No professional.

*sigh*

[aatln.livejournal.com]

Wow keesna, how horribly mean-spirited of someone to do this to you. I can't get my brain around the whole high school cliche thing going on. To fake ones own death? Come on. That's not normal behavior and tells you quite transparently of their character.

You ARE a warrior viking, and what people project out into the world bounces back and you can be proud that your bounces will be beautiful. Give yourself a few days to ponder the vileness of this act and then treat it with the same level of importance this person used to do this deed. Notta. Hugs.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Well, it wasn't aimed at me, I was just a casualty. :-P It's really not normal behaviour and I do think both of them need professional help. Really. *sigh*

I've taken a bit of a break from everything, and instead glory in the action of them TH boys. But yeah. This whole mess has put a shadow on my joy over everything happening.

[zeph317toho.livejournal.com]

Oh, love, I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all this. What a horrible situation! You have the biggest heart in the world, and you always step up to help and love all your friends unconditionally in every possible way you can. I can't imagine how badly this would hurt to be betrayed this way. And I can't imagine what would be going through someone's mind to fake a suicide. She obviously has big problems that she needs to address, and not expect anything from you. I just want to offer you all the love and hugs in the world because you are such a faithful, caring friend, and you deserve the best in friends to support you that same way. Hope you can take some time to hide in a corner for a while (we all need that at times), and then strength to keep on going when it hurts so badly. *hugs*

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

I know. It felt like a damn punch to the gut, let me tell you. I am very aware it wasn't aimed at me, I am just a casualty. But it still hurt as if it was aimed at me. Still, she contacted me and sees me as a friend seeking forgiveness. Won't happen. I have thick skin and I can forgive much. But this is just... going one HELL of a step to far.

Gladly, I do not lack in strength. Instead I work my ass off, which distracts so I can deal with this a little at a time. And that strategy works for me. :-) *hugs*

[ruchirahni.livejournal.com]

Jesus, I have no idea what to say. Part of me feels envious because we both lost someone to suicide at around the same time, and if she was still here, I'd be thrilled. But part of me feels really angry and shocked that anyone would do something like this, especially since I was here for your grief. As usual, we supported each other through our losses that coincidentally happened at the same time.

I'm happy for you (I guess?) but I'm still sorry for your loss; this time your loss of trust. I'm not sure what you do in a situation like this (other than keep moving). What happens to the friendship?

This is beyond all weird.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

I agree with you. It is beyond weird. I get why you might feel envious, in a way. I? I just feel hurt and betrayed. I've cut ALL ties with her and her frienemy. All. I've got no contact with them what so ever. I'm an open person on the internet as such, so I don't care if they read here, but they'll get no more mentions and I just... don't give a fuck about them anymore. I lost a friend. But these days I wonder if she ever really was a friend.

[ruchirahni.livejournal.com]

it seems selfish and narcissistic to me. you actively mourned her. i'm not trying to diminish her struggles or pain in any way, but to let someone go through that is so cruel.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Agreed. And clearly it's hurtful to me, since I've barely been on LJ since. Even if she blames she did it to protect her son and herself (right...), it really is beyond selfish. It really is. To say she needs professional help would be an understatement.

[ruchirahni.livejournal.com]

excuse me she is not your only friend on lj!

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

*smiles* You are very right. :-) I am so sorry I've been MIA my dear friend. *HUGS*