The dead returns...

[kseenaa]

Oh gawd. Where to even begin with this clusterfuck of insanity that went down this weekend? Let’s see if I can. And, unless they are too personal, I will try and answer any questions in the comments.

This might be a little bit triggering, so a little warning for that.

Remember my friend that committed suicide? That I’ve mourned since July? Well. Turns out, she never did. She’s not dead.

I found this out Friday. A DM on Twitter was sent to me with a link to an LJ-post where this person had dug out the truth about the fact that my friend had faked her own suicide.

At that point, I wasn’t sure, since my friend and her had their on and off friendship, and they were on and off enemies. So I couldn’t be sure of anything at that point. I was, however, hurt to see myself being discussed in the comments. (Just to later see that the frienenimy had made a post where I was discussed…)

Because, like it or not… I did like my friend. We had a lot of fun together. I supported her through anxiety attacks, talked her out of it when her paranoia went highwire, we talked about her kid and mine, she supported me when I went through IVF to get Alexandra, we roleplayed (so much!), we fangirled, we sent letters and photos to each other, christmas-cards, birthday cards… We had a lot of fun! And it wasn’t just through chatt, we talked through Skype and called each other on the phone to.

And I was my crazy honest blunt person with her to. Wasn’t like I walked around on eggshells when talking to her, if anyone would believe that. Still, she said herself that she saw me as her best friend. She liked my honesty and bluntness and often asked for it to.

Anyway, so after I’d seen that LJ-post, I got an email. From my friend. Just a few mins after I’d read that LJ-post (and commented on it). Two emails even. And second later, a message on my IM. Just to hit the shock home, or I don’t even know.

In these emails she tried to explain why she did it. And there’s just… too much that don’t add up. And reading between the lines, which I have gotten quite good at, I can see that she don’t wanna lose me as a friend.

I just… I can’t even. How? How can I even trust her after such a thing? I feel that I don’t even know her anymore. Four years. I stood up for her, supported her, helped her for four years. And she just threw that in my face like it was worth nothing. Nothing at all.

So how come then she went through such extremes?

I have no idea. I have two sides of the story, the frienimy (friends sometimes, enemy sometimes) and hers. And to be frank, even though I don’t trust much of what my previous friend wrote me, there’s much that don’t add up from her frienemimes posts either.

And to be honest, I really don’t care. Can’t say I want anything to do with either of them.

I am so incredibly hurt right now. I don’t think I’ve been this hurt since I don’t even know when. I feel both used and abused.

I just want to curl up in a corner and hide.

Can’t have that though. The warrior viking just fights on. No stopping life from moving is it?


This entry is crossposted between LJ and DW. Comment where you are comfortable.

Comments

[thywillbedone.livejournal.com]

Of course it did. There honestly IS no excuse for doing something like this, and if it's for popularity or to cry wolf for attention, then it's even more unforgivable.

You listened and you are more than entitled to feel hurt, and it's YOUR choice, whether to forgive or not. I'd feel pretty hurt and I would be scared to trust again, but after the stuff *I've* been through, I honestly can't afford to keep people around that do nothing but stress me out. Some friends are worth stressing over, but others just exhaust me when I get nothing in return but heartache.

She should respect your decision, and allow the hurt to heal. if it ever does. *hugs*

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Well, as mentioned I my ex-friend contacted me with two emails, and she got ONE answer me cutting everything off. The frienemy mailed me one email as well, that is the length of a novel, and she'll get one answer to. Then I'm done and they'll get nothing at all from me.

I mean, I have a life and a family and a job to deal with. I got no time for this! And it just hurts me to!

[thywillbedone.livejournal.com]

You do what you need to do to get through this. dear. No one deserves to be treated like this. It's one thing to announce it beforehand, and even so, I just don't like the idea of someone faking their own death unless it was to protect themselves from some threat and it's for their survival, so that they can start anew somewhere else.

Which in that respect, you can't TELL anyone, but since I won't ask the details, I just think you'd have been understanding if THAT had been the case, rather than someone simply just doing this for whatever other reason.

Everyone has their reasons, not always the right moral ones. but still their reasons. It's up to us how we'll react to them, and if it's still worth salvaging.

I understand your pov and of course. your life/health/family simply come first before anything else. Stick to your choice and live with it, just like she'll have to now.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Had that been the case, and she'd really been in danger, true danger. I would have believed her. But, there's danger and there's danger, isn't there? Some of it is, unfortunately just in your head. Which you can't get rid off. Without proper help. :-/ I've been beyond understanding of all her problems. I've seen her paranoia go high and low in periods. And I just can't do it any more. A limit has been reached. And crossed... no, even crashed right through. And my limits are pretty big usually, but yeah...