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Yes. If this subject bothers you, look away. Quite personal thoughts and worries here...
When I was pregnant with Alexandra I looked forward to breastfeeding her. I really and honestly did. I had planned to do it for 6 months. That was the plan. I was looking forward to the peace and serenity everyone talked about and wrote about that you would feel when you breastfeed your child...
Safe to say, it didn't work out that way. At all.
First, when we were still at the hospital and Alexandra was sick right after she'd been born... My milk didn't come in. At all. The nurses asked me if it felt so and so in my breasts, because that would mean it would come in soon. It didn't. At all. But they kept telling me to keep trying with Alexandra (who was sick and tired and didn't even wanna grab on to my breasts then) and also to keep trying with the breast-pump-thing they have there, since that would get the milk going to. In the meantime I feed Alexandra through a tube in her nose. :-/
I did. I did EVERYTHING they told me to. My breasts just hurt from it all, especially the nipples.
No milk.
They also told me it could be from stress what with Alexandra being sick and us being stuck so long at the hospital. True. But it didn't feel good feeding Alexandra through a tube. I mean, it's not like I was going to do that at home! So we started to use breastmilk substitute in a bottle. Something Alexandra took to very well!
Then we got home. And they were right. A little milk did get going, and since Alexandra likes it, I breastfeed her what little I have and give her the bottle afterwards.
But my nipples still hurt like fuck. And it is not Alexandras fault. She knows exactly what she is doing and grabs on to the nipple just like she should. But it hurts. And the peace and serenity? Nowhere in sight. I feel stressed and in pain every time. Sometimes she just fights my breasts, boxing them around and crying. And when I change to the other breasts, she has no problem suckling from that one. Very odd. And stressing me out more. And yes. My nipples still hurt like fuck.
It feels like I am doing it wrong, even though I know, logically, that I am doing just like I should.
And you know what the worst part is? That nurses and such that you are in contact with when having such a small baby keep pressuring me into keep up the painful breastfeeding since my milk is good for Alexandra. And I know it is. I KNOW!
The pressure and the feeling that if I don't keep up with the painful breastfeeding I fail as a mother... :-/ Interstingly though, is that when I took the decision to bottlefeed Alexandra, more in my family spoke up and said they've done that to!![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
peting73s mom said that he'd been bottlefeed... Hell, even my own mother told me she'd only breastfeed me and my brother for 2-3 months! And then didn't dare to tell the nurse she had that she'd started to bottlefeed us, since yes... back then, apparently it was even worse with the pressure that you HAD to breastfeed your kid, or you failed as a mom... :-/
Two weeks... She's just two weeks and two days... It's not long, I know... And I really shouldn't complain, should I? But dammit! I am in pain! And it is a battle of wills with Alexandra every time it is feeding time... Boxing around my breasts, and then MAYBE suckle a little on them...
Gah! I don't know what to do....
Sorry. Just had to vent a bit. :-/
When I was pregnant with Alexandra I looked forward to breastfeeding her. I really and honestly did. I had planned to do it for 6 months. That was the plan. I was looking forward to the peace and serenity everyone talked about and wrote about that you would feel when you breastfeed your child...
Safe to say, it didn't work out that way. At all.
First, when we were still at the hospital and Alexandra was sick right after she'd been born... My milk didn't come in. At all. The nurses asked me if it felt so and so in my breasts, because that would mean it would come in soon. It didn't. At all. But they kept telling me to keep trying with Alexandra (who was sick and tired and didn't even wanna grab on to my breasts then) and also to keep trying with the breast-pump-thing they have there, since that would get the milk going to. In the meantime I feed Alexandra through a tube in her nose. :-/
I did. I did EVERYTHING they told me to. My breasts just hurt from it all, especially the nipples.
No milk.
They also told me it could be from stress what with Alexandra being sick and us being stuck so long at the hospital. True. But it didn't feel good feeding Alexandra through a tube. I mean, it's not like I was going to do that at home! So we started to use breastmilk substitute in a bottle. Something Alexandra took to very well!
Then we got home. And they were right. A little milk did get going, and since Alexandra likes it, I breastfeed her what little I have and give her the bottle afterwards.
But my nipples still hurt like fuck. And it is not Alexandras fault. She knows exactly what she is doing and grabs on to the nipple just like she should. But it hurts. And the peace and serenity? Nowhere in sight. I feel stressed and in pain every time. Sometimes she just fights my breasts, boxing them around and crying. And when I change to the other breasts, she has no problem suckling from that one. Very odd. And stressing me out more. And yes. My nipples still hurt like fuck.
It feels like I am doing it wrong, even though I know, logically, that I am doing just like I should.
And you know what the worst part is? That nurses and such that you are in contact with when having such a small baby keep pressuring me into keep up the painful breastfeeding since my milk is good for Alexandra. And I know it is. I KNOW!
The pressure and the feeling that if I don't keep up with the painful breastfeeding I fail as a mother... :-/ Interstingly though, is that when I took the decision to bottlefeed Alexandra, more in my family spoke up and said they've done that to!
peting73s mom said that he'd been bottlefeed... Hell, even my own mother told me she'd only breastfeed me and my brother for 2-3 months! And then didn't dare to tell the nurse she had that she'd started to bottlefeed us, since yes... back then, apparently it was even worse with the pressure that you HAD to breastfeed your kid, or you failed as a mom... :-/Two weeks... She's just two weeks and two days... It's not long, I know... And I really shouldn't complain, should I? But dammit! I am in pain! And it is a battle of wills with Alexandra every time it is feeding time... Boxing around my breasts, and then MAYBE suckle a little on them...
Gah! I don't know what to do....
Sorry. Just had to vent a bit. :-/
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-25 08:30 pm (UTC)I really wanted to breastfeed Jameson, too, but he wouldn't gain weight and actually lost weight when I was breastfeeding, so on formula he went. I was able to breastfeed Kat for quite a few months, but then my supply dried out because of my work schedule. It happens and really, unless you're dead set to breastfeed, it's really okay. When it's a struggle for both of you and neither of you are happy, then I don't think it's nutritionally or emotionally healthy. (Besides, I am of firm belief that 'stressed out' milk can make a baby's tummy upset)
If you really want to continue to try, though, perhaps you have something similar to a breastfeeding organization there as we have here called the LaLeche League. They help moms and babies figure out why the breastfeeding isn't working and tell you how to fix it. You might try something like that?
In either case, I wish you and Alexandra the best of luck with this. It's a tough situation to be in. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-26 03:52 pm (UTC)And yeah, there is such an organisation here. I don't know why I haven't called them. It is called M-ammor (Moms = mammor, breastfeeding = amma, so it is a play with words.) When you call that number, you get to a lot of moms that have breastfeed or am breastfeeding and can give advice and such.
It is a very tough situation. I want to do what is best for her, but right now I just don't know what is, you know? :-/
Thanx for your advice. *HUGS TIGHT*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-25 08:37 pm (UTC)Several friends of mine have had trouble breastfeeding as well and got good help from this group, maybe they can help you? Some people I've known (including one couple who adopted) have been able to 'nurse' via a bag of milk and a tube that slips around the nipple somehow (I don't know the exact details)
Regardless -- DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER THIS. Seriously!!! You and
I can't say I've been in your exact place but... You're loving her, keeping her safe, and feeding her no matter how hard it is. And that, dear friend, is beautiful.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-26 03:54 pm (UTC)And I am trying! I really am... And will continue to do so at least a while yet. I just want to do what is best for her, you know? *sigh* *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-25 08:53 pm (UTC)Now, do you want just hugs or do you want advices? I worked for amningshjälpen for many years and there are help to get if you really want to, but you are not a bad mother if you don't. A good thing to remember, maybe some kind of comfort in this, is that the average time to get to that "relaxed and peaceful" stage with the first child is thre months, or about 12 -15 weeks, something the nurses seems to forget to tell of some strange reason. Doesn't mean that it will be this hard so long, it rarely is, but it takes time to get it right for both of you, and it do get easier when the child is bigger and more stabel in her body.
All hugs to you, you are not a bad mother, you will do what you knows is best for your own child, but it's okay to feel sad about it too, if you give it up, it is some kind of lost and it's okay to feel that too. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-26 06:33 pm (UTC)And I want both hugs and advice. A combination is the best. *HUGS*
I think nurses "forget" to tell that, because then no one would want to breastfeed knowing that. Seriously. It is a battle of wills between me and Alexandra every time. Every. Single. Time. She boxes and fights the breast. Latches on, lets go. Gets angry. Latches on, suckles twice or so, lets go, gets angry... Rinse and repeat for 15-20 mins per breast. :-/ It's hell.
And the weird thing is? First week? NO problem. Breastfeeding worked fine with bottle afterwards. No problem at all. This week? HELL! Absolute hell. I don't get it?
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-26 06:55 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 08:29 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-25 08:57 pm (UTC)I have zero opinion on what is better versus what isn't. There are a zillion studies out there that prove breast-feeding is better and there are a zillion more than prove bottle-feeding is better. That kind of leads me to believe that they are equal. Point is, you should do whichever one is more comfortable and appropriate for both you and Alexandra, to hell with societal pressure. If you have to do a combo of breast and bottle that's heavy on the bottle, go for it. Sometimes, it happens--a woman's body just says, "NOPE," and won't produce or it's extremely painful to the point that you can't stand it no matter what is being produced, so that's why there are alternatives.
*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-26 06:52 pm (UTC)Currently the combination seems to be what I need to do... It is either that or a starving Alexandra and that is NOT an option. And that is my main concern really. I can live with being in constant pain on my nipples if it is better for her. Seriously.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-25 08:57 pm (UTC)Several points to make here.
1. Do not feel bad or like you're "less than" a mother because this is difficult. You've already breast fed her for 2 weeks, and she's gotten the colostrum & antibodies from you she needs. Done.
2. Today's formulas are excellent sources of nutrition for your baby. If you have to switch her over completely, she'll be fine. Fine. I promise.
3. You will completely bond with your child in many other ways - no worries there.
4. You need to be enjoying this precious time with your child, not stressing about this.
Give the nursing consultants a try & see if they can help, but do not beat yourself up over this. It is doesn't work out well for you both, switch to formula & don't give it another thought.
Hugs! Lots of us moms here to help you!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-25 09:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-26 08:09 pm (UTC)Using the pump was hell for me to. It hurt! SO much! :-/ I don't know if they tuned it wrongly or whatever, but it hurt. :-/ I have no inverted nipples, but... still. They hurt. :-P
We are going to visit the nurse tomorrow, and I'll definitely talk to her then. Because going on like this for a week or so more? And I'll seriously collapse. It just won't work. :-/
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-25 09:15 pm (UTC)do your best. in my opinion, that doesn't mean being in pain all the time. that means being happy in alexandra's presence and trying to make sure she is happy in yours. like you said, plenty of people are bottle-fed- people you know well who have turned out to be wonderful upstanding healthy people- and they're fine.
alexandra is too. do what you think is best for your baby. medical advice is good and all, but not if it hurts you this much. because, you're doing great. :)
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-26 12:54 am (UTC)I don't know what the best medical thing to do is yet but I'm still of the firm and common-sense opinion that being stressed and in pain can't' be good for Alexandra either.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 06:17 pm (UTC)Aggressive feeder, eh? Maybe that is what Alexandra is. Because even though she latches on as she should, she hurts me. o.O And since you are well... you. ;-) I'd say you turned out fine on formula. :-) Thank you for sharing, luv.
I do really do my best, I do. I stress over every feeding time, even if I am doing a wee bit better today. Talking to "our" nurse sure helped a ton today.
Mediclly-vise, the best thing to do would be to pump with a breastpump and force the little milk I have to stay and hopefully increase... But that would seriously kill/break me. :-P And if I am not healthy, mentally, then Alexandra will pick up on that and won't feel good either. NOT an option in my book. :-/
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 07:56 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 07:57 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 08:31 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-25 09:28 pm (UTC)Things are different these days, I know. It's twenty years or more since I had my babies. But I struggled every day to feed them. They were always hungry and I never really had enough milk. I started mixed feeding (ie. top ups with bottles and formula) from very early on, because otherwise I would not have got through the day. If that's what you need to do, don't feel bad about it, because you'll be doing the best thing for you and your baby, which is the most important thing.
The pain may get better if you keep trying, or it may not. If you have to make the call to stop, don't beat yourself up about it. Really - don't. Alexandra is warm and safe and loved. You've already done the best you can for her.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 06:20 pm (UTC)I do mix ups to, since there is no way Alexandra would ever survive on the little I have. I would have to breastfeed her constantly without stop if so. Not an option. It would kill/break me. And if I am not healthy, mentally, she'll pick up on that and feel sick to. Not an option, I say.
Thank you SO MUCH for sharing. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-25 10:23 pm (UTC)Adding to the bottle-fed argument, my mom's milk never came in when she had me. My parents said they tried everything but didn't realize I was starving until the doctor saw the weight loss. As soon as they switched to formula, I gained weight normally and was (by all accounts) a much happier baby.
I've heard stories from friends about the sore breasts and nipples, and I just want to say I'm really sorry. That sounds horrible. You are certainly NOT failing as a mom in any way. Hang in there, love. *hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 08:13 pm (UTC)I think I've figured out the best option for us two. I do think so. If I'd struggled with only breastfeeding then Alexandra most certainly would have starved. Not an option, I say. :-P And me struggling to keep what little I have flowing and being in pain and stressed over it constantly and feeling really bad mentally... effecting Alexandra to? NOT an option either in my book.
Now she gets both, and even though she fusses and fights with my breasts she is doing fine, and is a healthy baby from what I can understand.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-26 01:26 am (UTC)Anyway, I'm sure you're a fabulous mother; don't worry about that!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 08:14 pm (UTC)And thank you. :-) I do try to be the best mom I can be. I really do. :-) *hugs* Thank you!
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-26 04:56 am (UTC)What you're experiencing is perfectly normal. A lot of new mothers have the same difficulty breastfeeding so don't feel like you are the only one or that you're a failure because circumstances beyond your control happened. You did everything humanly possible to set yourself up to breastfeed, sometimes our bodies tells us something we really don't want to hear, but it's not your fault so try not to beat yourself up.
Alexandra is a happy, healthy baby with an awesome family to give her everything she needs in life ... and yes that may be formula rather than breast milk. Have a wonderful time experiencing all the firsts with your daughter and remember hormones suck X 1 million and at least 1 million new mom's are asking their boobs what the heck is wrong with them at this very moment.
P.S. My cousin couldn't breastfeed her first child due to similar circumstances as yours and her reaction was the same. When her second child was born she breastfed without a hitch.
Sending lots of hugs to you both. No more beating up mom over something she can't control k? You're a perfectly normal new mommy and Alexandra loves you.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 08:18 pm (UTC)Alexandra is doing really really good. Even if she is a bit small for her age still, she gets a lot of praise everytime we take her in for her checkups and such. So yes, she is doing perfectly fine, thank gawd.
The one judging me the worst about this... is myself. I think. Sometimes hormones seriously suck indeed. :-/ I'll try not to beat myself up to much about it. Alexandra sure doesn't! And
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-28 05:47 am (UTC)Gee, I just can't imagine who still loves the boobs ;oP
Isn't it really funny how the youngest in the family is the one doing absolutely wonderful? Alexandra doesn't have a care in the world ... eat, poop, sleep and repeat.
She was probably trying to tell you this just ain't workin' mom and you wouldn't listen to her. Of course again I must add, in approx. 13 years she'll tell you that all the time with an attitude attached :)
Yep, you were definitely the one beating up on yourself the most, but I bet you're relieved to know you don't have to anymore.
That husband of yours is wonderful! Where did you find him?
Gotta go look at the new pictures of that very smart daughter of yours :) Congrats on getting through another day.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-30 09:42 pm (UTC)And you are perfectly right. Alexandra is doing wonderful! (Except for some gas now and then, but hey... Baby-life!) As long as she gets to just snuggle with my boobs and eat a lil from them now and then she is as happy as can be. :-) In other words, she uses them as teddybears/pacifiers... X-D I can live with that. ;-)
I really REALLY don't beat myself up about it anymore. Sitting down and reading up about it online DEFINITELY helped. And the book I found? A fucking goldmine. So awesome. All that combined, sure have helped. :-)
And to be honest, it was actually
Big big big *hugs*
Date: 2012-08-26 11:22 am (UTC)Talk to the nurses, and the home vistor (if she's still coming) or to your doctor, ask for some help but at the end of the day, you're in control of this. You're her mother and you are in control of this. If it's not working, then don't force it, and don't panic.
Formula milk has come a long long way, and it's a perfectly good alternative to breastmilk with added vitamins, minerals, and healthy support ingredients; your baby got the first two weeks of your milk though, and that's the most important part. There's nothing wrong with feeding from a bottle, and you can still be close to her while doing it - hold her, feel her, be close to her.
Your baby will be fine; I promise. You are not a bad mother for not breastfeeding - sometimes, the body says "No," and you can't force it. You keep telling me to listen to my body and I'm gonna be a real brat and repeat it back at you. Listen to your body. Let it tell you what it can and can't do and then fill in the gaps.
When she's older, she'll love you for feeding her; not for whichever source it came from.
You are an awesome mum. I keep saying this but you are. You've been through a lot to get this little viking; getting pregnant, carrying her around for nine months - or more, since she decided to be a little late on the scene :P - and going through labour. And then afterwards, she was sick which is really hard on you, emotionally and physically. You've given a lot for her, and sometimes, things don't turn out the way we expect.
But it's not the end of the world.
Whatever you decide to do, and whether you bottlefeed, breast feed, or a little of each, she won't love you two any less.
And now, I'm gonna take my preachy self, and go.
Edit: I see I was wrong about the first two weeks - since, duh, me, she's only two weeks old - but I still think you need to think about you as well as your little one. Even though breastfeeding is best, if you're angry, tired, and frustrated, it doesn't help her; and it just winds you up more and more because it's not happening.
I hope the nurse can give you some tips and guidelines on how to do it, because sometimes, it takes a while to kick in and then you can just ... find it.
To throw in an anecdote, I asked my mum about it because I wondered if she had some advice or wisdom to share. She said that she had to feed my brother on specialist formula milk because he is lactose intolerant, and couldn't take her milk in because he was so sick. Nothing worked - he couldn't keep it down, and he was tired and she was tired but when he went on the special powder, he was fine. In all honesty, he's turned out alright - mostly... I'm kind of biased 'cause he's my brother :P - but she struggled too.
She also told me it hurt that she couldn't breastfeed him, because he was her first baby, and he was sick too after he was born, and so was she from where she bled out from a doctor's mistakes. She said it was hard to admit because people thought you were a failure if you couldn't breastfeed but it was either bottle feeding or he starved, and she had to look at it like that.
She also recommended that if it doesn't work though, it's okay to admit it doesn't and perhaps you can express it, and feed it to her that way, so she still gets the nutrients? I don't know if that's okay for you, but it still means she's getting some of it from you.
She also said that sometimes babies go through periods when they're frustrating because they won't or can't get it right, and , it just takes some time for them to get the hang of it again. Same with parents.
Perservance, and lots of deep breathing.
You are still good parents, whatever happens, and you need to do what is right for BOTH of you, not just her.
Re: Big big big *hugs*
Date: 2012-08-26 08:44 pm (UTC)Re: Big big big *hugs*
Date: 2012-08-27 08:27 pm (UTC)The nurse today actually told me pretty much what you do. I have to think about myself to. Because if I don't feel good emotionally, mentally or physically... Alexandra will notice and feel bad/sick to. :-/ NOT an option in my book. Not at all.
I've heard about babies being lactose intolerant. Geez... That must have been tough on your mom! Thank you for sharing such a personal story. That means a ton. *hugs*
Re: Big big big *hugs*
Date: 2012-08-27 08:42 pm (UTC)I will therefore continue to be a brat as much as I can because I am sure it won't last long before you're riding high as queen of the logic again :D
I agree with my mum and the nurse, too. Babies are very perceptive and if you're tired and stressed, they feel it too and because they can't talk it comes out as frustration and not feeding right. You have to remember that if you're not 100%, there's no way Alexandra can be either, because she depends on you so much!
It was hard on my mum. When I came along, she was so confused - I was such a big, fat baby, with soft skin and my brother had had such sore skin and so thin because he couldn't feed properly... She was so shocked at the difference. I think she regrets it a little now, not having the whole perfect baby experience the first time around, because there are some things you miss but.. eh. She got two children and you got your one, and babies are surprisingly resiliant to most things. :D She learnt that too.
*hugs*
Re: Big big big *hugs*
Date: 2012-08-27 08:56 pm (UTC)If I do this my way, I hope Alexandra will do better to, as will I. :-) And if we are both doing this our way feeling better both off us... It can't be wrong then, can it? :-)
I can imagine your mom being surprised at the difference. Me and my brother were pretty much the same size as babies. But mom just had enough milk for 2-3 months, no more... then she had to go for formula to. But she didn't tell the nurses then, because I guess she didn't want to get a stern look or something... They were pretty strict with breastfeeding then. :-P At least the ones she went to. But we both grew up fine, I'd say. :-)
Now I just have to stop judging myself so hard. I think that is why I am struggling with this. Not that other people judge me... but that I do. :-P All in my head, it is. I just have to stop thinking so much on it. :-P
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-26 11:54 am (UTC)*hugs*
(edited for bad html...)
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 08:20 pm (UTC)And yes. There are a ton of stories and such online about breastfeeding and bottlefeeding and it's pros and cons and such. So many such stories. At least reading them makes sure I don't feel alone with this problem of mine. I did read up a lot on it the other night, and that made me feel so, so much better, seriously. Thank gawd for the internet.
I think I beat myself up the worst. The nurse,
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-28 06:51 pm (UTC)And don't worry. *grins* Which is very much easier said than done, I know. But doable.
*hugs*
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 04:09 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 08:22 pm (UTC)