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Yes. If this subject bothers you, look away. Quite personal thoughts and worries here...
When I was pregnant with Alexandra I looked forward to breastfeeding her. I really and honestly did. I had planned to do it for 6 months. That was the plan. I was looking forward to the peace and serenity everyone talked about and wrote about that you would feel when you breastfeed your child...
Safe to say, it didn't work out that way. At all.
First, when we were still at the hospital and Alexandra was sick right after she'd been born... My milk didn't come in. At all. The nurses asked me if it felt so and so in my breasts, because that would mean it would come in soon. It didn't. At all. But they kept telling me to keep trying with Alexandra (who was sick and tired and didn't even wanna grab on to my breasts then) and also to keep trying with the breast-pump-thing they have there, since that would get the milk going to. In the meantime I feed Alexandra through a tube in her nose. :-/
I did. I did EVERYTHING they told me to. My breasts just hurt from it all, especially the nipples.
No milk.
They also told me it could be from stress what with Alexandra being sick and us being stuck so long at the hospital. True. But it didn't feel good feeding Alexandra through a tube. I mean, it's not like I was going to do that at home! So we started to use breastmilk substitute in a bottle. Something Alexandra took to very well!
Then we got home. And they were right. A little milk did get going, and since Alexandra likes it, I breastfeed her what little I have and give her the bottle afterwards.
But my nipples still hurt like fuck. And it is not Alexandras fault. She knows exactly what she is doing and grabs on to the nipple just like she should. But it hurts. And the peace and serenity? Nowhere in sight. I feel stressed and in pain every time. Sometimes she just fights my breasts, boxing them around and crying. And when I change to the other breasts, she has no problem suckling from that one. Very odd. And stressing me out more. And yes. My nipples still hurt like fuck.
It feels like I am doing it wrong, even though I know, logically, that I am doing just like I should.
And you know what the worst part is? That nurses and such that you are in contact with when having such a small baby keep pressuring me into keep up the painful breastfeeding since my milk is good for Alexandra. And I know it is. I KNOW!
The pressure and the feeling that if I don't keep up with the painful breastfeeding I fail as a mother... :-/ Interstingly though, is that when I took the decision to bottlefeed Alexandra, more in my family spoke up and said they've done that to!![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
peting73s mom said that he'd been bottlefeed... Hell, even my own mother told me she'd only breastfeed me and my brother for 2-3 months! And then didn't dare to tell the nurse she had that she'd started to bottlefeed us, since yes... back then, apparently it was even worse with the pressure that you HAD to breastfeed your kid, or you failed as a mom... :-/
Two weeks... She's just two weeks and two days... It's not long, I know... And I really shouldn't complain, should I? But dammit! I am in pain! And it is a battle of wills with Alexandra every time it is feeding time... Boxing around my breasts, and then MAYBE suckle a little on them...
Gah! I don't know what to do....
Sorry. Just had to vent a bit. :-/
When I was pregnant with Alexandra I looked forward to breastfeeding her. I really and honestly did. I had planned to do it for 6 months. That was the plan. I was looking forward to the peace and serenity everyone talked about and wrote about that you would feel when you breastfeed your child...
Safe to say, it didn't work out that way. At all.
First, when we were still at the hospital and Alexandra was sick right after she'd been born... My milk didn't come in. At all. The nurses asked me if it felt so and so in my breasts, because that would mean it would come in soon. It didn't. At all. But they kept telling me to keep trying with Alexandra (who was sick and tired and didn't even wanna grab on to my breasts then) and also to keep trying with the breast-pump-thing they have there, since that would get the milk going to. In the meantime I feed Alexandra through a tube in her nose. :-/
I did. I did EVERYTHING they told me to. My breasts just hurt from it all, especially the nipples.
No milk.
They also told me it could be from stress what with Alexandra being sick and us being stuck so long at the hospital. True. But it didn't feel good feeding Alexandra through a tube. I mean, it's not like I was going to do that at home! So we started to use breastmilk substitute in a bottle. Something Alexandra took to very well!
Then we got home. And they were right. A little milk did get going, and since Alexandra likes it, I breastfeed her what little I have and give her the bottle afterwards.
But my nipples still hurt like fuck. And it is not Alexandras fault. She knows exactly what she is doing and grabs on to the nipple just like she should. But it hurts. And the peace and serenity? Nowhere in sight. I feel stressed and in pain every time. Sometimes she just fights my breasts, boxing them around and crying. And when I change to the other breasts, she has no problem suckling from that one. Very odd. And stressing me out more. And yes. My nipples still hurt like fuck.
It feels like I am doing it wrong, even though I know, logically, that I am doing just like I should.
And you know what the worst part is? That nurses and such that you are in contact with when having such a small baby keep pressuring me into keep up the painful breastfeeding since my milk is good for Alexandra. And I know it is. I KNOW!
The pressure and the feeling that if I don't keep up with the painful breastfeeding I fail as a mother... :-/ Interstingly though, is that when I took the decision to bottlefeed Alexandra, more in my family spoke up and said they've done that to!
peting73s mom said that he'd been bottlefeed... Hell, even my own mother told me she'd only breastfeed me and my brother for 2-3 months! And then didn't dare to tell the nurse she had that she'd started to bottlefeed us, since yes... back then, apparently it was even worse with the pressure that you HAD to breastfeed your kid, or you failed as a mom... :-/Two weeks... She's just two weeks and two days... It's not long, I know... And I really shouldn't complain, should I? But dammit! I am in pain! And it is a battle of wills with Alexandra every time it is feeding time... Boxing around my breasts, and then MAYBE suckle a little on them...
Gah! I don't know what to do....
Sorry. Just had to vent a bit. :-/
Re: Big big big *hugs*
Date: 2012-08-26 08:44 pm (UTC)Re: Big big big *hugs*
Date: 2012-08-27 08:27 pm (UTC)The nurse today actually told me pretty much what you do. I have to think about myself to. Because if I don't feel good emotionally, mentally or physically... Alexandra will notice and feel bad/sick to. :-/ NOT an option in my book. Not at all.
I've heard about babies being lactose intolerant. Geez... That must have been tough on your mom! Thank you for sharing such a personal story. That means a ton. *hugs*
Re: Big big big *hugs*
Date: 2012-08-27 08:42 pm (UTC)I will therefore continue to be a brat as much as I can because I am sure it won't last long before you're riding high as queen of the logic again :D
I agree with my mum and the nurse, too. Babies are very perceptive and if you're tired and stressed, they feel it too and because they can't talk it comes out as frustration and not feeding right. You have to remember that if you're not 100%, there's no way Alexandra can be either, because she depends on you so much!
It was hard on my mum. When I came along, she was so confused - I was such a big, fat baby, with soft skin and my brother had had such sore skin and so thin because he couldn't feed properly... She was so shocked at the difference. I think she regrets it a little now, not having the whole perfect baby experience the first time around, because there are some things you miss but.. eh. She got two children and you got your one, and babies are surprisingly resiliant to most things. :D She learnt that too.
*hugs*
Re: Big big big *hugs*
Date: 2012-08-27 08:56 pm (UTC)If I do this my way, I hope Alexandra will do better to, as will I. :-) And if we are both doing this our way feeling better both off us... It can't be wrong then, can it? :-)
I can imagine your mom being surprised at the difference. Me and my brother were pretty much the same size as babies. But mom just had enough milk for 2-3 months, no more... then she had to go for formula to. But she didn't tell the nurses then, because I guess she didn't want to get a stern look or something... They were pretty strict with breastfeeding then. :-P At least the ones she went to. But we both grew up fine, I'd say. :-)
Now I just have to stop judging myself so hard. I think that is why I am struggling with this. Not that other people judge me... but that I do. :-P All in my head, it is. I just have to stop thinking so much on it. :-P