Breastfeeding vs bottlefeeding...

[kseenaa]

Yes. If this subject bothers you, look away. Quite personal thoughts and worries here...

When I was pregnant with Alexandra I looked forward to breastfeeding her. I really and honestly did. I had planned to do it for 6 months. That was the plan. I was looking forward to the peace and serenity everyone talked about and wrote about that you would feel when you breastfeed your child...

Safe to say, it didn't work out that way. At all.

First, when we were still at the hospital and Alexandra was sick right after she'd been born... My milk didn't come in. At all. The nurses asked me if it felt so and so in my breasts, because that would mean it would come in soon. It didn't. At all. But they kept telling me to keep trying with Alexandra (who was sick and tired and didn't even wanna grab on to my breasts then) and also to keep trying with the breast-pump-thing they have there, since that would get the milk going to. In the meantime I feed Alexandra through a tube in her nose. :-/

I did. I did EVERYTHING they told me to. My breasts just hurt from it all, especially the nipples.

No milk.

They also told me it could be from stress what with Alexandra being sick and us being stuck so long at the hospital. True. But it didn't feel good feeding Alexandra through a tube. I mean, it's not like I was going to do that at home! So we started to use breastmilk substitute in a bottle. Something Alexandra took to very well!

Then we got home. And they were right. A little milk did get going, and since Alexandra likes it, I breastfeed her what little I have and give her the bottle afterwards.

But my nipples still hurt like fuck. And it is not Alexandras fault. She knows exactly what she is doing and grabs on to the nipple just like she should. But it hurts. And the peace and serenity? Nowhere in sight. I feel stressed and in pain every time. Sometimes she just fights my breasts, boxing them around and crying. And when I change to the other breasts, she has no problem suckling from that one. Very odd. And stressing me out more. And yes. My nipples still hurt like fuck.

It feels like I am doing it wrong, even though I know, logically, that I am doing just like I should.

And you know what the worst part is? That nurses and such that you are in contact with when having such a small baby keep pressuring me into keep up the painful breastfeeding since my milk is good for Alexandra. And I know it is. I KNOW!

The pressure and the feeling that if I don't keep up with the painful breastfeeding I fail as a mother... :-/ Interstingly though, is that when I took the decision to bottlefeed Alexandra, more in my family spoke up and said they've done that to! peting73s mom said that he'd been bottlefeed... Hell, even my own mother told me she'd only breastfeed me and my brother for 2-3 months! And then didn't dare to tell the nurse she had that she'd started to bottlefeed us, since yes... back then, apparently it was even worse with the pressure that you HAD to breastfeed your kid, or you failed as a mom... :-/

Two weeks... She's just two weeks and two days... It's not long, I know... And I really shouldn't complain, should I? But dammit! I am in pain! And it is a battle of wills with Alexandra every time it is feeding time... Boxing around my breasts, and then MAYBE suckle a little on them...

Gah! I don't know what to do....

Sorry. Just had to vent a bit. :-/

Comments

[ruchirahni.livejournal.com]

hey. take a breath. i don't know anything about breastfeeding research or possible benefits to the child, but i DO know that my mom didn't breastfeed me. maybe for a few days she did, but she had to stop because i was a "very aggressive feeder", and she was just in too much pain. so she switched me to formula as well, and i'm fine.

do your best. in my opinion, that doesn't mean being in pain all the time. that means being happy in alexandra's presence and trying to make sure she is happy in yours. like you said, plenty of people are bottle-fed- people you know well who have turned out to be wonderful upstanding healthy people- and they're fine.

alexandra is too. do what you think is best for your baby. medical advice is good and all, but not if it hurts you this much. because, you're doing great. :)

[ruchirahni.livejournal.com]

and- think of how many people must have advised you against trying to have a baby at a35. not sure if they work that way in sweden but they certainly do in the US- and they were wrong about that, weren't they? =)

I don't know what the best medical thing to do is yet but I'm still of the firm and common-sense opinion that being stressed and in pain can't' be good for Alexandra either.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Oh, there are a ton of benefits for the child if you breastfeed. I mean, the formulas of today are AMAZING (much better then the ones peting73 and me got back in the 1970's), but nothing can really compare to breast-milk no matter how good they are.

Aggressive feeder, eh? Maybe that is what Alexandra is. Because even though she latches on as she should, she hurts me. o.O And since you are well... you. ;-) I'd say you turned out fine on formula. :-) Thank you for sharing, luv.

I do really do my best, I do. I stress over every feeding time, even if I am doing a wee bit better today. Talking to "our" nurse sure helped a ton today.

Mediclly-vise, the best thing to do would be to pump with a breastpump and force the little milk I have to stay and hopefully increase... But that would seriously kill/break me. :-P And if I am not healthy, mentally, then Alexandra will pick up on that and won't feel good either. NOT an option in my book. :-/

[ruchirahni.livejournal.com]

I don't think that killing or breaking you is the best thing to do medical wise ;-). I might be a little biased, though. How does Peting feel about this? I am sure he wants what is best for you.

[ruchirahni.livejournal.com]

also- I KNOW you do your best. I see it in every word you write. In my eyes, you are an ideal mother and no less.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

peting73 has told me he supports whatever decision I make. Gotta love that man. And he keeps telling me I am an awesome mom and that Alexandra is doing just fine and is a beautiful kid no matter what. And he is right, you know... She is. She is doing JUST fine. I think I am judging myself to harshly on this. I really do. I just have to stop doing that, somehow and then I'll be fine.