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Yes. If this subject bothers you, look away. Quite personal thoughts and worries here...
When I was pregnant with Alexandra I looked forward to breastfeeding her. I really and honestly did. I had planned to do it for 6 months. That was the plan. I was looking forward to the peace and serenity everyone talked about and wrote about that you would feel when you breastfeed your child...
Safe to say, it didn't work out that way. At all.
First, when we were still at the hospital and Alexandra was sick right after she'd been born... My milk didn't come in. At all. The nurses asked me if it felt so and so in my breasts, because that would mean it would come in soon. It didn't. At all. But they kept telling me to keep trying with Alexandra (who was sick and tired and didn't even wanna grab on to my breasts then) and also to keep trying with the breast-pump-thing they have there, since that would get the milk going to. In the meantime I feed Alexandra through a tube in her nose. :-/
I did. I did EVERYTHING they told me to. My breasts just hurt from it all, especially the nipples.
No milk.
They also told me it could be from stress what with Alexandra being sick and us being stuck so long at the hospital. True. But it didn't feel good feeding Alexandra through a tube. I mean, it's not like I was going to do that at home! So we started to use breastmilk substitute in a bottle. Something Alexandra took to very well!
Then we got home. And they were right. A little milk did get going, and since Alexandra likes it, I breastfeed her what little I have and give her the bottle afterwards.
But my nipples still hurt like fuck. And it is not Alexandras fault. She knows exactly what she is doing and grabs on to the nipple just like she should. But it hurts. And the peace and serenity? Nowhere in sight. I feel stressed and in pain every time. Sometimes she just fights my breasts, boxing them around and crying. And when I change to the other breasts, she has no problem suckling from that one. Very odd. And stressing me out more. And yes. My nipples still hurt like fuck.
It feels like I am doing it wrong, even though I know, logically, that I am doing just like I should.
And you know what the worst part is? That nurses and such that you are in contact with when having such a small baby keep pressuring me into keep up the painful breastfeeding since my milk is good for Alexandra. And I know it is. I KNOW!
The pressure and the feeling that if I don't keep up with the painful breastfeeding I fail as a mother... :-/ Interstingly though, is that when I took the decision to bottlefeed Alexandra, more in my family spoke up and said they've done that to!![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
peting73s mom said that he'd been bottlefeed... Hell, even my own mother told me she'd only breastfeed me and my brother for 2-3 months! And then didn't dare to tell the nurse she had that she'd started to bottlefeed us, since yes... back then, apparently it was even worse with the pressure that you HAD to breastfeed your kid, or you failed as a mom... :-/
Two weeks... She's just two weeks and two days... It's not long, I know... And I really shouldn't complain, should I? But dammit! I am in pain! And it is a battle of wills with Alexandra every time it is feeding time... Boxing around my breasts, and then MAYBE suckle a little on them...
Gah! I don't know what to do....
Sorry. Just had to vent a bit. :-/
When I was pregnant with Alexandra I looked forward to breastfeeding her. I really and honestly did. I had planned to do it for 6 months. That was the plan. I was looking forward to the peace and serenity everyone talked about and wrote about that you would feel when you breastfeed your child...
Safe to say, it didn't work out that way. At all.
First, when we were still at the hospital and Alexandra was sick right after she'd been born... My milk didn't come in. At all. The nurses asked me if it felt so and so in my breasts, because that would mean it would come in soon. It didn't. At all. But they kept telling me to keep trying with Alexandra (who was sick and tired and didn't even wanna grab on to my breasts then) and also to keep trying with the breast-pump-thing they have there, since that would get the milk going to. In the meantime I feed Alexandra through a tube in her nose. :-/
I did. I did EVERYTHING they told me to. My breasts just hurt from it all, especially the nipples.
No milk.
They also told me it could be from stress what with Alexandra being sick and us being stuck so long at the hospital. True. But it didn't feel good feeding Alexandra through a tube. I mean, it's not like I was going to do that at home! So we started to use breastmilk substitute in a bottle. Something Alexandra took to very well!
Then we got home. And they were right. A little milk did get going, and since Alexandra likes it, I breastfeed her what little I have and give her the bottle afterwards.
But my nipples still hurt like fuck. And it is not Alexandras fault. She knows exactly what she is doing and grabs on to the nipple just like she should. But it hurts. And the peace and serenity? Nowhere in sight. I feel stressed and in pain every time. Sometimes she just fights my breasts, boxing them around and crying. And when I change to the other breasts, she has no problem suckling from that one. Very odd. And stressing me out more. And yes. My nipples still hurt like fuck.
It feels like I am doing it wrong, even though I know, logically, that I am doing just like I should.
And you know what the worst part is? That nurses and such that you are in contact with when having such a small baby keep pressuring me into keep up the painful breastfeeding since my milk is good for Alexandra. And I know it is. I KNOW!
The pressure and the feeling that if I don't keep up with the painful breastfeeding I fail as a mother... :-/ Interstingly though, is that when I took the decision to bottlefeed Alexandra, more in my family spoke up and said they've done that to!
peting73s mom said that he'd been bottlefeed... Hell, even my own mother told me she'd only breastfeed me and my brother for 2-3 months! And then didn't dare to tell the nurse she had that she'd started to bottlefeed us, since yes... back then, apparently it was even worse with the pressure that you HAD to breastfeed your kid, or you failed as a mom... :-/Two weeks... She's just two weeks and two days... It's not long, I know... And I really shouldn't complain, should I? But dammit! I am in pain! And it is a battle of wills with Alexandra every time it is feeding time... Boxing around my breasts, and then MAYBE suckle a little on them...
Gah! I don't know what to do....
Sorry. Just had to vent a bit. :-/
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-27 08:18 pm (UTC)Alexandra is doing really really good. Even if she is a bit small for her age still, she gets a lot of praise everytime we take her in for her checkups and such. So yes, she is doing perfectly fine, thank gawd.
The one judging me the worst about this... is myself. I think. Sometimes hormones seriously suck indeed. :-/ I'll try not to beat myself up to much about it. Alexandra sure doesn't! And
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-28 05:47 am (UTC)Gee, I just can't imagine who still loves the boobs ;oP
Isn't it really funny how the youngest in the family is the one doing absolutely wonderful? Alexandra doesn't have a care in the world ... eat, poop, sleep and repeat.
She was probably trying to tell you this just ain't workin' mom and you wouldn't listen to her. Of course again I must add, in approx. 13 years she'll tell you that all the time with an attitude attached :)
Yep, you were definitely the one beating up on yourself the most, but I bet you're relieved to know you don't have to anymore.
That husband of yours is wonderful! Where did you find him?
Gotta go look at the new pictures of that very smart daughter of yours :) Congrats on getting through another day.
(no subject)
Date: 2012-08-30 09:42 pm (UTC)And you are perfectly right. Alexandra is doing wonderful! (Except for some gas now and then, but hey... Baby-life!) As long as she gets to just snuggle with my boobs and eat a lil from them now and then she is as happy as can be. :-) In other words, she uses them as teddybears/pacifiers... X-D I can live with that. ;-)
I really REALLY don't beat myself up about it anymore. Sitting down and reading up about it online DEFINITELY helped. And the book I found? A fucking goldmine. So awesome. All that combined, sure have helped. :-)
And to be honest, it was actually