Current state of me...

[kseenaa]

You know… Sometimes I wonder what is wrong with me. Or if it’s not something wrong with me. Not sure. I just know the only thing I have energy for is watching TV-shows on Netflix and playing World of Warcraft.

And hey ho, with that comes guilt. Because before I was online chatting with friends to. And now I have no energy for that. :-/ So I’ve lost touch with snowstormskies and Duodeathstar. They both probably hate me right now, since I never log in. And if I do log in, I’d have to explain why I’ve been absent. And I have no explanation. More than lack of energy, and how does that sound?

Maybe I should write emails with them instead? Hmm… I’ll think on that for a bit.

It’s been a lot of fun to go back to WoW though! So relaxing! Started a new character to be a support to Alexandra's worgen druid. Yeah, she’s playing to. Although not on her own, Peting is doing the actual playing, but Alexandra is in charge of what her character should do. He is reading, translating, the quests and asks her if they should help the quest-giver or not. And where to go and so on and so forth. So it’s a feral druid, since she likes her character to be a cat as much as possible and that her character can claw the butt on her enemies. *LOL* So I made a priest so when she ends up in higher levels (far, FAR in the future), she’ll have a pocket-healer to keep her alive. :-)

The family that WoW’s together *cough*

Apart from playing WoW, I’ve also started to go through my long list I’ve made on Netflix with interesting TV-shows. And I also have a couple of YouTube channels that I follow.

And when I game, I listen to a couple of various podcasts, mostly in swedish, but also in english.

I really should make a list of this, shouldn’t I? I’ve listened to a few books as well. I’ve not really done that before, but there were two books that A LOT of the teens/kids at my school wanted to read, so I wanted to know what the hell it was all about, you know? But being too stressed out to sit down and read a book, I listened to them instead. And now I’m getting into listening to books that way. I’ve missed reading books, reading stories, so it’s nice to get into that again.

And then there’s some of my friends. First off, this can be a little bit triggering. And definitely very important note… I AM NOT BLAMING ANYONE!!! NOT AT ALL!!!

But I have a couple of friends on Twitter that are suicidal. And I’ve always been supportive. Always, always. It’s what I do. It’s who I am. It’s the core of who I am. A helper, a supporter, a rock, a steady tree with my roots deep in the soil where others can find shade and support. That’s me.

But lately I’ve been tiring. And I’m feeling so guilty about that to, it’s like I turn my back on who I am. But I just… can’t give the support I used to anymore. It’s why I’ve pulled back more, you could say. Here on LJ it’s easier, somehow. Somewhat on Twitter to, and Instagram. In chatt? Nope. I look at my chat program, and I just… can’t logg in right now.

So I’m sorry if I’m not a good supporter right now, everyone. I really and honestly am.

This entry is cross posted between LJ and DW. Comment where you are comfortable.

Comments

[tattooofhername]

You sound like you might be a little depressed? Low energy and trouble socialising are the early symptoms of mine. *hugs*

[steinsgrrl]

I agree with this speculation.

[kseenaa]

Winter blues usually don't hit me, but this year it has with a ton of bricks. :-P I think it's the combination of work being somewhat shit right now. I thought I had the headmaster backing me up with the wild teens in the library, but I've found out that is not the case. :-P Quite the opposite, apparently, since he claims what I say that they are far to loud and obnoxious in the library, is simply not true. Thanks. Thanks a lot. And it's really wearing on me to have all that loud crazy ass noise around me as soon as I open and to know that there are other teens that AFRAID OF GOING TO THE LIBRARY!!! Yeah, that got to me. :-/

I have no trouble socializing in RL. In fact, I look forward to that every time it happens. :-) Work just makes me sooooo tired, so once Alexandra is in bed, my energy-levels are so low all I have energy for is WoW and Netflix. :-P Sad but true.

[kseenaa]

*HUGS* I don't know... How do you even? Work has been shit lately, let's be honest. And well, winter blues usually don't hit me. Although this year it did, very hard. Because I'm petrified to go outside on the ice and snow (it's even worse when it's half-melted), because I'm so afraid I might break my leg again. So that isn't helping. At all.

And I have no problems socialising in RL. You know? Not at all. We'll be visiting family, around 10-15 people. And I sooooo look forward to it!

Work is just knocking me down right now, and the combination of afraid of falling, it is not a good one.

[orangerful]

That's a lot of responsibility to put on yourself, sometimes the tree needs a break too. If someone hangs on the branches all the time, they start to bend. Don't feel bad for needing to pull away for a bit. If there is someone you are really truly worried about, perhaps contact someone close to them to make sure they are being watched or give them an alternative way of getting in touch with you. But you can only do so much. I'm struggling with similar feelings around my brother...it is hard because you want to be there but at the same time, it puts a lot on your mind. **HUGS**

I saw your Warcraft post and I've been thinking about that game a lot. Tim is really into a new MMO Black Desert Online and I'm just not as into it, mostly because I keep comparing it to WoW. I just really preferred the way WoW worked and played. But I haven't played WoW in years and now I'm a little hesitant to log on because I know my ex played and I'm not in the mood to do the old Friends List clean out. Social media/computers make breaking it off with people so damn convoluted!

Winter has made us not in the mood too. We took off this whole week to do things together and we just ended up gaming LOL. It's too cold and windy to go out on day trips anywhere. I think snuggling up with hot food and WoW sounds like a great way to let off some stress.

[kseenaa]

Well, most of the time it feels like I have two brains and they're not in agreement. :-P Like, I have one part that says I have to take on this responsibility because what else will happen? If any or my suicidal friends manage to kill themselves, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Because what if..., you know?

I wish I could contact someone close to them, I really do. Problem: I live in Sweden and they in the US. And one in the UK. I do encourage them to seek professional help, but alas... That's not easy or economically possible in either country. At least the one in Sweden I've managed to get to do just that. :-P

Somehow glad to hear I'm not alone feeling like this. Is that weird of me?

Hey, World of Warcraft! I hear you! I never did have that many people on my FL on WoW, so it's easy for me to keep it under check, you know? But really, it might be worth it to clean it out. To me, every time I log into that game, it feels like coming home. Fucked up, right? *lol* Can you believe that game has been around for 13 years?!?!? I think we've played it for 12 years... o.O

It's interesting about Winter Blues... It usually don't effect me, but this year it really has. Hard. I think part of it is that I'm so scared every time I go outside now, since I'm petrified to break my leg a third time... o.O