The state of KSena's mind...

[kseenaa]

Hey ho, whoever still reads this thing.

First off, and this is important, I must say I owe a lot to snowstormskies. We ended up in a... fight? Disagreement? I don't even know what to call it. But I nearly lost her as a friend. We solved much of our issues, and I am so so grateful to still be able to call her friend.

Because lately she has been able to help me get my mind moving.

Thing is, Alexandra wakes up every night. Every. Single. Night. And demands snuggles, gruel and then she falls asleep again. IF I'm lucky. There are times when she stays up all night. ALL NIGHT LONG. Like last night when she woke up around 1am and didn't fall asleep again until around 6am.

It drives me insane. And effects my own sleeping. When I go to bed I am so concentrated on listening for any sound at all from her room, that any sound from the apartment at all rushes me into a fight/flight mood, heart racing. This makes sure I have a hard time relaxing when going to bed. Which, what with my daughter and her nightly habits, make sure I don't sleep so very much. :-P

Combine this with the fact that I've felt more down then I've ever done since October/November or so, it's no good...

Now, snowstormskies with her Hat Of Truth (its glorious, ask her) and her previous experiences has started nagging me to get help for this. Because I can NOT shake this down feeling... Some days are better, but... most often than not I feel down about everything and I can't even pinpoint why.

I should be happy. I should be on the top of the world. I have a wonderful man in my life, peting73. I have the best friends one could ask for, my sister in all but blood spicehobbit in particular. I have a HUGE extended family that is not of this world, a support-system not everyone has.

I have a daughter, Alexandra, that I struggled so hard to be able to give birth to that I love more than life itself...

And still... STILL!

It's fucked up. And the logical part of my brain realise this. But can't do anything about it.

So I will try and listen to snowstormskies advice. I will try to find help for something I don't even know what it is. But I'll start with one thing. And that's to get help with Alexandra and her nightly habits. It's a step in the right direction at least...

Hopefully I'll have a more fun post another time with some links or something...

Over and out...

This entry is crossposted between LJ and DW. Comment where you are comfortable.

Comments

[shapinglight]

Hello. I'm still reading. I'm so glad you've decided to take your friend's advice and seek some help in dealing with Alexandra's sleep problems. Lack of sleep may not be the whole reason why you're so down but it certainly can't be helping.

And please try not to feel guilty about being down when you feel you shouldn't be. These things can't always be explained.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

No, it's definitly not helping. And, maybe, if I can get help with her sleeping, I might figure myself out as well? At least it would be a start, you know? :-P

I am trying not to feel guilty about it... But it's hard not to, when you know so many people online that suffers from serious depression and anxiety of various forms, you know?

[steinsgrrl.livejournal.com]

Realizing you need help and taking steps to do it are sometimes the hardest parts. *hugs*

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it is. Even though we had a fall out and are just working our way back to being friends... snowstormskies have been a huge help with that.

[volare.livejournal.com]

-=HUG=-

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Thanx. *HUGS*

[hexenhasel.livejournal.com]

Very glad to hear that you and Snow are mending things <3

And if you need any sort of advice or insight - or empathy - I'm just a PM or email away.

Hang in there with Alexandra and her fussy nights - I'm rooting for you!

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

We are mending things. We're not all there yet, but we are indeed working on it. It was very ugly there for a while. :-P But I think we are on the right track now. But I am sure she has already used you as a support there. :-)

It feels really damn silly to even ask help from anyone, when really I shouldn't complain. I know you struggle with so much more... So thank you for the offer. Really, it warms the heart. :-) But I don't want to make things tougher for you. *hugs*

[hexenhasel.livejournal.com]

As it is with any relationship - friendship or romantic - open communication is key.

And the offer still stands. To me, there is no who has it 'worse' - every one's path is unique and valid.

:)

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :-) Really, thank you for saying so. It has it's downsides to be friends with a lot of people suffering worse than me. You don't feel like you deserve any help then, since others need it more. :-P

[claudia6913.livejournal.com]

*hug from one mother to another* It will get better. Just the fact that you are willing to do something towards making it better in itself means that it will, in time, get better.

I've been down. I've been sleep deprived (omg the second one is worse because you have the first to contend with once you get her on a schedule). I've been run ragged, barely keeping my eyes open long enough to crawl into bed.

I am right there with you on the listening for every little sound. That in itself can drive you mad. I've had to make a mantra ... "If they're not screaming or crying they're fine." As for the baby ... I have had to force myself not to get out of bed unless she is crying. Yes, that means laying in bed for upwards of an hour or more while she just talks to herself before nodding off again. It's hard because she's my little girl.

Um ... yeah ... all that to say I get it. ;p

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

If Alexandra had just been in bed talking to herself, I would have been in heaven. But not my girl, oh no... She is SCREAMING her head off when she wakes up at night!!! Not so very fun, no. :-P Especially not when hubby gets up at 4:30am in the morning to get to work, and has a huge need for sleep and yeah... It's a bit of a cluster-fuck. :-P (He sometimes needs 10-12 hours of sleep... I usually get 5 hours, and that is actually good for me, I've never needed more than 5-6 hours a night. That's normal me, with or without kid.)

I am going to talk to the nurse that does Alexandra's checkups every 6 months. She is GREAT! A really cool nurse all around. Very practical and hands on, which I appreciate (and a mother of three...). So I'll have a talk with her and see what advice she can give. After that? The LIBRARY! Because, well... Why the hell not?

[thilia.livejournal.com]

Sounds like good advice and there's nothing wrong with getting help when you need it. <3 Hope Alexandra starts sleeping when she's supposed to!

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

I really hope so to. I mean, I still don't get why I feel so down all the time. But I will say one thing... Alexandra's fucked up sleeping pattern is not helping. :-P

*hugs*

[astroflammante.livejournal.com]

I'm still reading! And I second (or seventh, by now) the idea that getting help is good. The "I have everything I want and my life still feels like nothing is good" sounds like an actual depression to me, and even if it's "only" a mild one, getting help will save you a lot of misery. (And getting help with Alexandra's sleeping wackiness will maybe get you out of the depression all by itself. If she sleeps, you can sleep, and that will help. I have recently realised how much of my own depressive tendencies that can be cured by the right amount of good sleep...And my psychologist/therapist/whatever-she'd-be-called-in-English says this is true for most people.)

Re: *hugs*

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

I just feel so stupid about it, you know? Which IS stupid, and then I feel even worse. ARGH! Idiotic, and the logical part of my brain realizes this and bah... Yeah. :-P My brain seems to have tied itself in knots and ended up in a clusterfuck... at the same time. That must take skill.

I've never needed more than 5-6 hours of sleep. Not even when I was without a kid. But I need them hours to be un-disturbed... which hasn't happened in a while. :-P

Re: *hugs*

[astroflammante.livejournal.com]

No need to feel stupid, but that's easier said than done... Our brains sometimes do wacky things, and the logical part is only along for the ride.

I can't give you any advice about what seems to be the root problem, Alexandra not sleeping. But dealing with a brain that does bad things to you, on the other hand... Get help, you deserve that. (even if somebody else's problems are worse.) Take one thing at a time, and don't beat yourself up and think that you're stupid when things go wrong. And take every chance you get to be happy in the moment.

One thing at a time, and you can get through this. One thing at a time, and sooner than you think you'll get a full night's sleep, and Alexandra too. :-)

Re: *hugs*

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

One thing at a time seems to be working. I am doing a little better. Know me, I don't give up without a fight. Even when it's my own brain I have to fight. Sometimes I feel down still, a few days here and there, and I still have trouble relaxing when going to bed. But it is getting better. Ever so slowly. I Just hope it keeps on going that way.

Re: *hugs*

[astroflammante.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you wouldn't be you if you didn't fight to make things better! :-)

And as long as you keep on moving, one thing at a time, things will get better. The downturns will happen, but as long as you keep on going forward they won't matter in the long run. You can do it! *hugs(again!)*

You know me, I've been fighting my inner demons since long before we ever met. One thing at a time, slowly and steadily, is the only method that actually works. :-) There's been a couple of nasty down periods, but my life is still better than before.

Re: *hugs*

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess... :-) *hugs* No matter how shitty I feel, I can not stop fighting it...

You are a huge inspiration, you know that right? Not only are you beautiful, but the way you dealt with life and still fought them demons? THAT'S inspiring. *HUGS*

Re: *hugs*

[astroflammante.livejournal.com]

Then you're gonna win! As someone said, the thing that counts isn't how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you get up again. :-)

*blushes* Thank you! (And you do know I think you're an inspiration too, right? For the "can't stop fighting to make things better" thing. And looking good doing it.)

[snowstormskies.livejournal.com]

First of all, I'm glad you're listening. *hugs* Being stuck in that rut is shitty, and I'm so glad that you're thinking about how to reach out and ask for help because it's important. You're not bad or wrong or broken for doing it - you're experiencing something that's not good for a long long time, and feeling mentally unwell. Those are good reasons to ask for help.

It doesn't matter if you have a big family or small one, have lots of money or nothing, or have a nice husband. You're allowed to feel down and depressed, and you're allowed to reach out and ask for help. Although many people are in different dire straits, it doesn't negate how you feel or what you are experiencing. My experiences are mine. Yours are yours. Comparing the two together to see who gets the pity party and who gets the help and support is a daft thing to do.

With regards to Alex, I did some net poking (see, you're not the only one who can do research) and I expect the nurse you see about Alex will be telling you the same thing: Alex is getting older and it's time for her to start sleeping through the night on her own.

When you go in there, cuddling, rocking, and giving her food, she's learnt that in order to get back to sleep when she's woken up on her own, she needs Mom and Dad's help. The thought process is "I've woken up. Damn. Time to summon mom and dad to come and help put me back there!" It's a learned behaviour - and now, it's hell. Imagine what it'll be like when she's able to get out of bed on her own and come and find you. And no, barricading yourself in your own room is not an option.

You don't have to abandon her to cry it out for hours and hours - I don't think your neighbours would appreciate that, tbh - but you need Alex to understand that if she wakes up in the middle of the night, she should put herself back to sleep again without summoning the cavalry.

Supernanny and Toddler Taming recommend something like this which is a controlled technique - you're deliberately limiting the amount of interaction she gets when she wakes up so it no longer becomes worth all that palaver for just five seconds of shushing and patting on the back.

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1027930/crying-it-out

And I do suggest Toddler Taming as a book - http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Toddler-Taming-bestselling-parenting/dp/0091902584 It's quite possibly the thing that saved my mother's sanity with me and my brother. XD Everything you could need to know and it's not judgey judgey book like some. It starts out with the "This is my problem," and then it offers solutions. Sleep patterns get a WHOLE chapter, too. *parent owns an old edition*

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

I actually found that book, Toddler Taming, at Adlibris where I always buy my books from... For the same price. VERY interesting... *considers this now* It'll have to wait until I get money though. :-P

Neither our neighbors nor Peting would appreciate Alexandra crying for hours. I am doing fine with 5-6 hours (un-disturbed) sleep. It's how I've always worked. Peting, however, sometimes needs up to 10 hours of sleep, and since he gets up at 4:30am in the morning, well... You can imagine the clusterfuck it is. I NEED her to fall asleep so Peting won't have to get up and get grumpy and not be able to work the next day. :-/ It's tough as fuck.

I know she's learned this now, that hey... I can't fall asleep unless mom or dad is in here... The funny thing is, a couple of months ago she was fine! She's been fine ever since she moved into her own room! We put her to bed, gave her a kiss, her pacifier and sleeping-Eeyore, and she'd fall asleep all by herself. And sleep all night... Then in September or October or something... She started this new regime. And I don't even know why. *shakes head*

For the record I LOVE Supernanny, so if that Toddler Taming book is anything like it, I'll love it to. Now... Just to wait until I get my money so I can order it. :-P

[ruchirahni.livejournal.com]

Urrrgh. I know being a mom is great, but that must be SO frustrating. So not only are you feeling down, your sleep cycle is all screwed up, which obviously isn't helping whatsoever. Everything happens all at once.

I love how even when you're seriously down you take the time to appreciate what you have. That's a beautiful thing about you that not everyone has.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

It has gone beyond frustrating at this point, to be honest. It's really really tough right now. I am hanging in there if by a thread. :-P

Well, I am not blind to what I have. I really am not. I just have a hard time appreciating it at times... which somehow makes me feel even worse... and the cycle goes on and on and it's driving me a little nuts. :-P

[roseraves.livejournal.com]

:( i'm sorry you've been so down. i have had moments in my life where i don't know why i'm sad either but i think that's totally normal.

i would definitely agree with the suggestion that you find a way to help your daughter sleep better - i'm not a doctor or anything but i would think there are medications for insomnia or something similar? it is absolutely horrible not to get a full night's sleep so i can't imagine what you're going through. just not getting enough sleep is enough to make most people depressed and irritable during the day. :/

i really hope both of you can get a better nights rest soon!

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

I've bought a book, actually, and I REALLY enjoy it! It has TWO chapters about toddlers and sleeping... I am thinking I am not the only mom with a troublesome toddler here... *lol*

My guesses is that my interrupted nights is a big part of the problem... and that every time she wakes up I feel like a failure mom. I don't know why, but I do. Like it's my fault or something... *shrug* I can lay in bed and listen to the silence in Alexandra's room and just feel such a fear that there'll be sound from there... Which is fucked up. :-P Fight or flight mood? I know that feeling well. :-/

[roseraves.livejournal.com]

well that doesnt make sense! lol that wouldnt be your fault at all! i think a lot of kids have trouble sleeping. my older sister used to have horrible night terrors when she was little. those are strange to me. i also know some people who sleep walk and i think it's so friggen creepy haha.

i think it's totally normal to dread hearing a toddler cry also, lol. i mean, it's not fucked up at all. unless you just ignore it, which i doubt you would do! i'm very glad i don't have kids yet because i'm not ready for them at all but i completely appreciate how hard it must be. i have lots of friends with kids and i dont even know how they do it. it's a ton of work! so exhausting.

i actually watched my best friend give live birth a few years ago and it was a horrifying experience to say the least. she went unconscious from blood loss and exhaustion and had pre-clampsia. it was the stuff of nightmares for me. i'm basically still having PTSD flashbacks about it haha. it was great birth control though.

[heleng57.livejournal.com]

Just wanted to say that I understand what you're going through and I hope you have now sought help for yourself and your baby because it sounds to me like you might have Post Natal depression (PND) which, believe me can last for months if you don't get treatment. I had it after my second baby who was also a screamer; you couldn't leave her to cry because her lips would go blue she was crying so hard she wasn't getting enough oxygen. Frightening. My DH would take her out for walks in the middle of the night because the only time she'd be quiet was when she was moving; she'd start crying again the moment you stopped rocking her or pushing her in the pram. there's no shame in asking for help as the depression can also be fuelled by hormonal changes...and of course the sheer exhaustion of not getting a good night's sleep. For what its worth I'm sending a virtual hug and thinking of you. This phase will pass;it's just really hard to see ahead when you're going through it.

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

I don't think it's PND, since my kid is 1½ years old... I just think it's me feeling stuck in life, you know? AND the fact that my kid, who was great when she was tiny, now all of a sudden wakes up every single night. When she was tiny she slept ALL night. I had to wake her up to feed her, since she needed food during the night to (she was very tiny). Now when she is this big, she wakes up every night. REALLY annoying and makes a mess of my sleep. :-P

I am struggling on. There's been a lot of changes in my life these past two weeks, so I am hoping that will help. Fingers crossed!