The state of KSena's mind...

[kseenaa]

Hey ho, whoever still reads this thing.

First off, and this is important, I must say I owe a lot to snowstormskies. We ended up in a... fight? Disagreement? I don't even know what to call it. But I nearly lost her as a friend. We solved much of our issues, and I am so so grateful to still be able to call her friend.

Because lately she has been able to help me get my mind moving.

Thing is, Alexandra wakes up every night. Every. Single. Night. And demands snuggles, gruel and then she falls asleep again. IF I'm lucky. There are times when she stays up all night. ALL NIGHT LONG. Like last night when she woke up around 1am and didn't fall asleep again until around 6am.

It drives me insane. And effects my own sleeping. When I go to bed I am so concentrated on listening for any sound at all from her room, that any sound from the apartment at all rushes me into a fight/flight mood, heart racing. This makes sure I have a hard time relaxing when going to bed. Which, what with my daughter and her nightly habits, make sure I don't sleep so very much. :-P

Combine this with the fact that I've felt more down then I've ever done since October/November or so, it's no good...

Now, snowstormskies with her Hat Of Truth (its glorious, ask her) and her previous experiences has started nagging me to get help for this. Because I can NOT shake this down feeling... Some days are better, but... most often than not I feel down about everything and I can't even pinpoint why.

I should be happy. I should be on the top of the world. I have a wonderful man in my life, peting73. I have the best friends one could ask for, my sister in all but blood spicehobbit in particular. I have a HUGE extended family that is not of this world, a support-system not everyone has.

I have a daughter, Alexandra, that I struggled so hard to be able to give birth to that I love more than life itself...

And still... STILL!

It's fucked up. And the logical part of my brain realise this. But can't do anything about it.

So I will try and listen to snowstormskies advice. I will try to find help for something I don't even know what it is. But I'll start with one thing. And that's to get help with Alexandra and her nightly habits. It's a step in the right direction at least...

Hopefully I'll have a more fun post another time with some links or something...

Over and out...

This entry is crossposted between LJ and DW. Comment where you are comfortable.

Comments

*hugs*

[astroflammante.livejournal.com]

I'm still reading! And I second (or seventh, by now) the idea that getting help is good. The "I have everything I want and my life still feels like nothing is good" sounds like an actual depression to me, and even if it's "only" a mild one, getting help will save you a lot of misery. (And getting help with Alexandra's sleeping wackiness will maybe get you out of the depression all by itself. If she sleeps, you can sleep, and that will help. I have recently realised how much of my own depressive tendencies that can be cured by the right amount of good sleep...And my psychologist/therapist/whatever-she'd-be-called-in-English says this is true for most people.)

Re: *hugs*

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

I just feel so stupid about it, you know? Which IS stupid, and then I feel even worse. ARGH! Idiotic, and the logical part of my brain realizes this and bah... Yeah. :-P My brain seems to have tied itself in knots and ended up in a clusterfuck... at the same time. That must take skill.

I've never needed more than 5-6 hours of sleep. Not even when I was without a kid. But I need them hours to be un-disturbed... which hasn't happened in a while. :-P

Re: *hugs*

[astroflammante.livejournal.com]

No need to feel stupid, but that's easier said than done... Our brains sometimes do wacky things, and the logical part is only along for the ride.

I can't give you any advice about what seems to be the root problem, Alexandra not sleeping. But dealing with a brain that does bad things to you, on the other hand... Get help, you deserve that. (even if somebody else's problems are worse.) Take one thing at a time, and don't beat yourself up and think that you're stupid when things go wrong. And take every chance you get to be happy in the moment.

One thing at a time, and you can get through this. One thing at a time, and sooner than you think you'll get a full night's sleep, and Alexandra too. :-)

Re: *hugs*

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

One thing at a time seems to be working. I am doing a little better. Know me, I don't give up without a fight. Even when it's my own brain I have to fight. Sometimes I feel down still, a few days here and there, and I still have trouble relaxing when going to bed. But it is getting better. Ever so slowly. I Just hope it keeps on going that way.

Re: *hugs*

[astroflammante.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you wouldn't be you if you didn't fight to make things better! :-)

And as long as you keep on moving, one thing at a time, things will get better. The downturns will happen, but as long as you keep on going forward they won't matter in the long run. You can do it! *hugs(again!)*

You know me, I've been fighting my inner demons since long before we ever met. One thing at a time, slowly and steadily, is the only method that actually works. :-) There's been a couple of nasty down periods, but my life is still better than before.

Re: *hugs*

[kseenaa.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I guess... :-) *hugs* No matter how shitty I feel, I can not stop fighting it...

You are a huge inspiration, you know that right? Not only are you beautiful, but the way you dealt with life and still fought them demons? THAT'S inspiring. *HUGS*

Re: *hugs*

[astroflammante.livejournal.com]

Then you're gonna win! As someone said, the thing that counts isn't how many times you get knocked down, it's how many times you get up again. :-)

*blushes* Thank you! (And you do know I think you're an inspiration too, right? For the "can't stop fighting to make things better" thing. And looking good doing it.)