![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Before you continue... Remember... You might like Twilight, and that is fine. I won't hold it against you, and you can gosh over it how much you want in your LJ. However, this is my LJ, so here are my thoughts. Nothing personal.
Also, I am not holding punches here, so bad language is present in this.
With that said, do read on.
Twilight chapter by chapter... Sorta....
These are my reactions as I read the book. I only put down some notes here and there during my reading. One can clearly see I get more annoyed the more I read since the comments on each chapter turns longer, and longer...
Chapter 1:
"Now my horrific day tomorrow..." Eh? Had to read that twice.
"It was nice to be alone [...] a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape." *sigh* Emo goth much? I can see why some of my really young vamp-LARP friends like this.
Chapter 2-8
Edward and Bella fall in LOVE with each other... Bella whines at Forks. At her mom. At her dad. At everything. Fails to see how everyone else falls head over heals for her. The truck-scene happens. It sucks. Even the guy who really got hurt apologizes to Bella, and no one cares about him. *shakes head*
Bella meets the native american tribe that lives close by. The whole plot is revealed in a legand. Thanx alot SMeyers... Native americans are at least a little bit intresting characters. Sadly we don't get to see much of them.
Chapter 9:
"I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." My GAWD! Who talks like this? Even writes like this?
Chapter 13:
Bella: "Your saying I am your brand of heroin?"
Edward: "Yes, your exactly my brand of heroin."
Whole chapter about how Edward wants to drink her up because she smells like the best dinner in the world! Or... his perfect brand of heroin... And Bella is totally cool with it. No reaction at all.
Also... Sparkle. They FUCKING SPARKLE!!! *groans* They can take anything: garlic, sunshine, stake, crosses... Anything! But they sparkle in the sun... It is so stupid... I... *groans some more*
Chapter 14:
Edward confesses he has stalked her, and watched her sleep etc. Been in her entire room and house, and knows exactly where she has her stuff. Again, she is totally cool with it. In fact, she finds it romantic. *face-palm*
Chapter 15:
Walking right into a wolfs den, and she ain't afraid? Oh no, just worried that no one will like her. Hon, Bella. They want to eat you. And your acting like an idiot. Again.
Chapter 16:
In fact the story about Carlise was quite good. But then it turned silly again. A interesting glimpse, over to soon.
Chapter17:
WTF? Vampire baseball? So, so silly...
Chapter 18:
Oh... NOW we get a bad guy... *face-palm* Good going, SMeyers... or not... Bad guy introduced at page 328/434.... SMeyers. You suck.
Chapter 19:
Well now. Another character that I actually start to like. Alice. Like her counterpart Drusilla, only less with the insane and evul.
Chapter 20:
Oh, so the clumsy constantly falling over heroine used to dance ballet. That is just not believable, SMeyers, the way you have introduced Bella so far. Alice, is still cool, though. I am waiting for you to destroy her as well. Also, watch out for the plot-hammer of DOOM! Dammit, SMeyers. You don't have to hit your readers over the head with the plot. Even if they are young, they can understand what your saying. (Although there is doubt about that since your language suck.)
Oh, ffs! *face-palm... again...* He is HUNTER! You are making him into your every day kidnapper....![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
das_mervin is right. He needs a fucking mustach to twirl. *groan* And again Bella is fine with going to her death. Girl, there is something seriously wrong with you.
Chapter 21:
Ms Stumble-All-The-Time outruns super-fast vampires. I am laughing SMeyers. Not.
Mr Bad-guy-James talks to damn much. He does need a mustach to twirl. Thanx for that mental image,das_mervin.
Oh GAWD! *groan* She DID take inspiration for Alice from Drusilla! Asylum, my ass.... *double-groan*
Oh fuck. There is action. And she faints, so we can't follow the action. Epic fail, SMeyers. Epic fail.
Chapter 22 + 23:
Oh, because no one else can suck the poison out of Bella's blood then Mr Dreamy-Sparklepants... *rolls eyes* But that is fine. Her blood and scent is like heroin for him, remember... Crack, I tell you. Crack. Also, no action since our herione was fainted on the floor. As I said, crack.
Chapter 24:
Alice IS a Dru-copy! *groan* Or a Rose copy... *shakes head* No wonder I like her. :-P
Couldn't they figure out another story to cower for them? Epic FAIL! *face-palm... again* And considering how hurt she got from... "falling", they should get a Doc to look at her balance. It is clearly cracked. Like the rest of the book.
And now the begging starts... Please vamp me out, Ed! *groan* 'Cause oh noes, I might grow oooold... *whines*
Epilouge:
Oh, Charlie is acting like the grownup, and not you... Bo fucking hoo, Bella...
Oh, she is complaining that Charlie is actually acting like an adult and cared for her. Oh noes! He is giving you rules!
Ze horror! Edward is taking you to the prom. *face-palm... again...*
I don't know. Having a boyfriend talk for you. And telling you not to be difficult. I would have broken up a long time ago, no matter how gorgeous he is. (Oh, and SMeyers is still telling us how bloody perfect Edward is...)
You don't HAVE to mention the books name in the book... *sigh*
Oh, what a bloody ending.... *groan*
Final thoughts:
Well. What to say? This is not a well written book. It isn't. I have read rumours on the net that SMeyers is an english mayor. She can't be. Not with a language like this. OK, so I might be to old for this book with my 31 years. I know it is written for a much younger audience. But just because a kid is about 13-16 abouts, don't mean they are stupid. And SMeyers constantly stupify her readers in this book.
Another thing that annoyed me is that secondary characters were written out as soon as the main characters got each other. And that such a big part of the book was only Bella saying how much she loved Edward. How perfect he is. How gorgeous he is... I could go on. She even compares him to a greek god. And she calls him Adonis. Twice! (I checked.) OK. We GET IT! He is the most perfect man in the world. His family full of vamps are the most perfect people in the world. But you don't have to say it every other line!
Talking about the vampires. It is quite idiotic what you have done with the vampire-myth here, SMeyers. These vamps could easily take over the world. You can't kill them. Unless you rip them to shreds, but that require so much strength only other vampires can do it. They have no weaknesses either. Crosses, garlic, sun, whatever! They can take it. There only weakness is they sparkle in the sun... SPARKLE!!! I mean... It is so silly, it ain't even funny... But you actually gave Edward one intresting thing. He don't sleep. At all. That could have been intresting, but instead you just continued writing how bloody perfect he is. Letting that one intresting thing slip. Bad writing there.
I agre with Robert Pattinson (who plays Edward in the movie) when he says this book is a very personal thing. Almost like a personal sex fantasy. I agree. This is a Mary Sue story. And not even a good one. SMeyers clearly sees herself being Bella. And Edward is her wet dream. I wonder how much she masturbated while writing this? Oh. She is a mormon. Can't do nasty things then... *shakes head* But I bet she still did. With the lights out.
So. Will I read the rest of the series? Yes. If nothing else because they are so much crack. No. They are crack, and crack alone. And I will read them. Because bad as they are, it is quite fun to make fun of them. And it is so much easier to do that, after I have read them.
Also, I am not holding punches here, so bad language is present in this.
With that said, do read on.
Twilight chapter by chapter... Sorta....
These are my reactions as I read the book. I only put down some notes here and there during my reading. One can clearly see I get more annoyed the more I read since the comments on each chapter turns longer, and longer...
Chapter 1:
"Now my horrific day tomorrow..." Eh? Had to read that twice.
"It was nice to be alone [...] a relief to stare dejectedly out the window at the sheeting rain and let just a few tears escape." *sigh* Emo goth much? I can see why some of my really young vamp-LARP friends like this.
Chapter 2-8
Edward and Bella fall in LOVE with each other... Bella whines at Forks. At her mom. At her dad. At everything. Fails to see how everyone else falls head over heals for her. The truck-scene happens. It sucks. Even the guy who really got hurt apologizes to Bella, and no one cares about him. *shakes head*
Bella meets the native american tribe that lives close by. The whole plot is revealed in a legand. Thanx alot SMeyers... Native americans are at least a little bit intresting characters. Sadly we don't get to see much of them.
Chapter 9:
"I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him." My GAWD! Who talks like this? Even writes like this?
Chapter 13:
Bella: "Your saying I am your brand of heroin?"
Edward: "Yes, your exactly my brand of heroin."
Whole chapter about how Edward wants to drink her up because she smells like the best dinner in the world! Or... his perfect brand of heroin... And Bella is totally cool with it. No reaction at all.
Also... Sparkle. They FUCKING SPARKLE!!! *groans* They can take anything: garlic, sunshine, stake, crosses... Anything! But they sparkle in the sun... It is so stupid... I... *groans some more*
Chapter 14:
Edward confesses he has stalked her, and watched her sleep etc. Been in her entire room and house, and knows exactly where she has her stuff. Again, she is totally cool with it. In fact, she finds it romantic. *face-palm*
Chapter 15:
Walking right into a wolfs den, and she ain't afraid? Oh no, just worried that no one will like her. Hon, Bella. They want to eat you. And your acting like an idiot. Again.
Chapter 16:
In fact the story about Carlise was quite good. But then it turned silly again. A interesting glimpse, over to soon.
Chapter17:
WTF? Vampire baseball? So, so silly...
Chapter 18:
Oh... NOW we get a bad guy... *face-palm* Good going, SMeyers... or not... Bad guy introduced at page 328/434.... SMeyers. You suck.
Chapter 19:
Well now. Another character that I actually start to like. Alice. Like her counterpart Drusilla, only less with the insane and evul.
Chapter 20:
Oh, so the clumsy constantly falling over heroine used to dance ballet. That is just not believable, SMeyers, the way you have introduced Bella so far. Alice, is still cool, though. I am waiting for you to destroy her as well. Also, watch out for the plot-hammer of DOOM! Dammit, SMeyers. You don't have to hit your readers over the head with the plot. Even if they are young, they can understand what your saying. (Although there is doubt about that since your language suck.)
Oh, ffs! *face-palm... again...* He is HUNTER! You are making him into your every day kidnapper....
das_mervin is right. He needs a fucking mustach to twirl. *groan* And again Bella is fine with going to her death. Girl, there is something seriously wrong with you.Chapter 21:
Ms Stumble-All-The-Time outruns super-fast vampires. I am laughing SMeyers. Not.
Mr Bad-guy-James talks to damn much. He does need a mustach to twirl. Thanx for that mental image,
das_mervin.Oh GAWD! *groan* She DID take inspiration for Alice from Drusilla! Asylum, my ass.... *double-groan*
Oh fuck. There is action. And she faints, so we can't follow the action. Epic fail, SMeyers. Epic fail.
Chapter 22 + 23:
Oh, because no one else can suck the poison out of Bella's blood then Mr Dreamy-Sparklepants... *rolls eyes* But that is fine. Her blood and scent is like heroin for him, remember... Crack, I tell you. Crack. Also, no action since our herione was fainted on the floor. As I said, crack.
Chapter 24:
Alice IS a Dru-copy! *groan* Or a Rose copy... *shakes head* No wonder I like her. :-P
Couldn't they figure out another story to cower for them? Epic FAIL! *face-palm... again* And considering how hurt she got from... "falling", they should get a Doc to look at her balance. It is clearly cracked. Like the rest of the book.
And now the begging starts... Please vamp me out, Ed! *groan* 'Cause oh noes, I might grow oooold... *whines*
Epilouge:
Oh, Charlie is acting like the grownup, and not you... Bo fucking hoo, Bella...
Oh, she is complaining that Charlie is actually acting like an adult and cared for her. Oh noes! He is giving you rules!
Ze horror! Edward is taking you to the prom. *face-palm... again...*
I don't know. Having a boyfriend talk for you. And telling you not to be difficult. I would have broken up a long time ago, no matter how gorgeous he is. (Oh, and SMeyers is still telling us how bloody perfect Edward is...)
You don't HAVE to mention the books name in the book... *sigh*
Oh, what a bloody ending.... *groan*
Final thoughts:
Well. What to say? This is not a well written book. It isn't. I have read rumours on the net that SMeyers is an english mayor. She can't be. Not with a language like this. OK, so I might be to old for this book with my 31 years. I know it is written for a much younger audience. But just because a kid is about 13-16 abouts, don't mean they are stupid. And SMeyers constantly stupify her readers in this book.
Another thing that annoyed me is that secondary characters were written out as soon as the main characters got each other. And that such a big part of the book was only Bella saying how much she loved Edward. How perfect he is. How gorgeous he is... I could go on. She even compares him to a greek god. And she calls him Adonis. Twice! (I checked.) OK. We GET IT! He is the most perfect man in the world. His family full of vamps are the most perfect people in the world. But you don't have to say it every other line!
Talking about the vampires. It is quite idiotic what you have done with the vampire-myth here, SMeyers. These vamps could easily take over the world. You can't kill them. Unless you rip them to shreds, but that require so much strength only other vampires can do it. They have no weaknesses either. Crosses, garlic, sun, whatever! They can take it. There only weakness is they sparkle in the sun... SPARKLE!!! I mean... It is so silly, it ain't even funny... But you actually gave Edward one intresting thing. He don't sleep. At all. That could have been intresting, but instead you just continued writing how bloody perfect he is. Letting that one intresting thing slip. Bad writing there.
I agre with Robert Pattinson (who plays Edward in the movie) when he says this book is a very personal thing. Almost like a personal sex fantasy. I agree. This is a Mary Sue story. And not even a good one. SMeyers clearly sees herself being Bella. And Edward is her wet dream. I wonder how much she masturbated while writing this? Oh. She is a mormon. Can't do nasty things then... *shakes head* But I bet she still did. With the lights out.
So. Will I read the rest of the series? Yes. If nothing else because they are so much crack. No. They are crack, and crack alone. And I will read them. Because bad as they are, it is quite fun to make fun of them. And it is so much easier to do that, after I have read them.
Tags:
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-29 09:02 am (UTC)Man, this was one serious review. You actually analyzed it. No complaints here, this was so much fun to read! *cheers on*
Mustache or not, I kinda liked that James bloke, and his red head companion. Two of the few characters who wasn´t all nice, perfect and Bella-loving. Too bad they were not introduced earlier.
And on the Bella-Sue thing; just you wait, it gets worse. A whole lot worse... *mad scientist laugh*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-29 01:45 pm (UTC)In fact, I read a bit more then half the book Thursday and yesterday. Language is not difficult. Just ugly. *shakes head* It also helped it was amazingly slow at work and I worked evenings. So I had not much else to do. But dammit, this book gave me a freaking head-ache yesterday! First time that has happened! And no, it wasn't because I face-palmed so much. :-P *checks* I have no bruise either, although that wouldn't have surprised me much. I face-palmed a lot more then I wrote here. My work-mates are now convinced I am a masochist. I must be. *shakes head* Because on some strange level I enjoy reading them and bash them, laugh at them and groan at them (done frequently. at work). So. I must be a masochist, right? :-P *sigh*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-29 02:24 pm (UTC)Told you; these are books perfect for days when you´re either lazy or hung-over. You need minimal use of brain cells, cause the plot (or lack of) jumps up from the book and pull you in the right direction!
But yes, to read these books _must_ be a sign of masochism. Or at least a sign of reeeaaally bad humour... *grin*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-30 11:59 am (UTC)It is quite silly how fun it is to make fun of such crappy books. I try to find good things in them, but I fail constantly. :-P
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-29 10:41 pm (UTC)At least your reviews are fun, even if the books aren't! <3
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-30 10:48 am (UTC)Yesterday at work I almost threw a book out the window... They are that bad. Compared to Eddings (that we have discussed before), Eddings would be a Nobel prize winner... If you compare the language that is.
Read a third of book 2, New Moon. Expect the same kind of review from that one. :-)
In fact it was evul bashing reviews where I first heard of these books. Then
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-30 12:01 pm (UTC)But they must be BAD indeed. I get the impression they are really harlequin books that happened to get published by the wrong publisher.
I'm looking forwards to the next review!
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-30 01:19 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-30 02:06 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-30 02:18 pm (UTC)But I think one of the things that made these books so popular is that it is the insignificant (in her mind) girl that gets the perfect boy/man that everyone wants and he only gives attention to her. Every girls dream that. Add a shitload of angst (and I do mean shitload), vampires and vamp-erotica and there you go.
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-02 09:04 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-30 08:14 pm (UTC)I haven't been able to make myself read them yet, but I'm considering it.
That writer does NOT shy away from the sex-scenes. In fact, I think that's how Anita Blake gets her shapeshifting powers. I think I heard that at the end of the series she's a wolf-dragon-vampire-unicorn-panter-being, or something like that...
(no subject)
Date: 2008-11-30 08:26 pm (UTC)Might add my blood-pressure goes through the roof each time I sit down and read these...
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-03 12:27 am (UTC)My New Moon review is taking much longer than my Twilight review because, obviously, I have to put it down every few pages and scream. And I"m trying to analyze this one a bit deeper than the Twilight one.
Good job! I look forward to your review of New Moon! ;D
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-03 07:40 pm (UTC)And yes. Alice is a very neat little character SMeyers have, somehow, managed to create. I have a soft spot for Charlie to. But thats it. The other characters can go to hell for all I care. :-P
*looks at icon* *blinks* Wait, what? I must have that icon! *laughs ass off*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-03 08:22 pm (UTC)Hee! I saw that icon and immediately had to have it, too. *giggles*
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-03 08:38 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-03 08:41 pm (UTC)Be sure to start at the first one, at the bottom of the page! The last one isn't as funny as they others, as they went political AND turned Emmett into an actual frat boy, instead of just making him kind of LIKE a frat boy, but still--even that last one has it's moments. GUC is AWESOME. Guaranteed, if you don't love Emmett after reading that, there is something wrong with you. ;)
(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-09 12:25 am (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-04 04:24 pm (UTC)(no subject)
Date: 2008-12-04 05:36 pm (UTC)Crack, I tell you. Crack. :-P