My fucked up reaction to the Metoo hashtag...

[kseenaa]

So much has been going on since I wrote last. Goodness… I should really update here more. It makes me feel better just to get things down in words. Strange how it’s easier to write like this in english than in swedish these days…

Anyhow!

I guess no one has missed the # metoo hashtag? Neither have I. It’s fucking depressing. I see all these women who hasn’t come forward until now. Who hasn’t gotten help. I’m a very caring person, so I fucking HURT for everyone. For every story I see. And I freaking bleed when I see that so many of my old and new friends have gone through the same.

And I… haven’t. Drunk shit talking I don’t count. Because I am JUST as bad, to be quite honest (thanks mom). But I haven’t been grabbed against my will, no one has tried to talk me into sex. Last time I was catcalled I was… 12-13 years old.

When I was out partying with my friends growing up… I mean, you only need to be 18 years old to go to clubs and bars drinking here in Sweden. So when were out clubbing and dancing, my friends used me as a wall. Yeah, a wall.

So how do you think you use a fat girl as a wall? I’ll let you know.

We were a pretty big couple of friends then, standing in circle or pile of friends dancing our asses off. And, my smaller or thinner friends attracted attention from boys/young men. I didn’t. So my friends asked my help to get them away from them. So I just moved over and danced between my friend and whoever boy/young man tried to get their attention. I was a wall / safety net between them and the unwanted attention.

That’s how you use a fat girl as a wall.

My brain is a really fucked up place right now. Because all these Metoo stories, my brain keeps telling me and asking me… ‘Well, there must be something wrong with you.. Because if you’d been normal you’d also have been sexually assaulted or raped. Because that’s the normal thing, that’s what desirable pretty girls got. You didn’t, you scared men off from doing that, so there must be something wrong with you.’

Thanks brain. Thanks a whole lot. I’m just going to crawl into a dark corner, because I don’t even know……

Happier post in the future, I hope.


This entry is cross posted between LJ and DW. Comment where you are comfortable.

Comments

[gajastar]

Ir feels like a shitty way to think, but it's not that weird, really. We live in a world that prefers to boil women down to just what they look like, and, if you don't fit that ridiculous mold, well, guess you aren't good enough. Sexuality becomes a commodity, and if no one seems to want to take what you're selling, it makes you feel 'lesser', regardless of the fact that the other option is 1000% shittier.

[steinsgrrl]

I have to agree with every point here. I can see how it would mess with you. ❤❤❤

[kseenaa]

It does indeed. As I was saying to Gaja, it's not just the men in the sociaty that does this. Women shame/judge as well, just as badly.

[titacats]

Everything here is on point. The way that society has groomed us to always strive for impossible standards affects all of us in a whole myriad of ways. I'm sorry that you feel this way. *hugs*

[kseenaa]

It does indeed. It effects men to. So in a way we're just stuck in this web that is society without knowing how to get out of it.

[kseenaa]

That's very true. And the interesting thing is, it's not just the men doing it, women are JUST as bad when ti comes to shaming/blaming women for that.

[jerusha]

*hugs* Oh, internalized misogyny. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. I'm in the same boat, in that I've been cat called a few times, got a couple of uncomfortable interactions, but I definitely put off "NOT INTERESTED" vibes, and it largely worked for me. I'm grateful, but at the same time when people say, "Every woman has a story about this" that's not always true.

[kseenaa]

That is so true. Damned if you do and damned if you don't. And it's what bothers me the most. All the screams I hear that Every Women Has A Story when that is simply not true. Nor is the screams that All Men Are Abusers/Rapists. :-/

[shapinglight]

:Hugs:

[kseenaa]

Thank you. *HUGS*

[orangerful]

**HUGS** I'm also one of the lucky ones and all these hashtags break my heart too. I'm sorry that your friends treated you that way though. :(

[kseenaa]

Yeah, I just hurt for them. And I wish I could them, but there's just not anything I can do, you know?

[rori]

Oh my gosh, I am sorry you feel that way. It's just more of the twisted message that those girls that had it happen had some fault in it by how they looked. You are lovely, you are a mom, a friend, a wife and an amazing light for all of us.

[kseenaa]

You're making me blush something fierce! Thank you!