Sketchavember ficlet! And some links...

[kseenaa]

Been working today to. I really really like to work at the big city library, I must say! The other librarians there are so, so funny! Well, most of them are. :-D And all are very friendly, in their own way. One of them showed me a little how microfilms work and how to use them and where they are stored... So awesome. So much STUFF in this place! Hidden in various areas in the library... My gawd. So much more to a library then you see when you visit it as just a visitor... I love that. So awesome! :-D

At the end of the day spicehobbit came to the library and we had company home to me, since da nailpolish had arrived! :-D We ordered some nailpolish and stuff from Konad UK together to save on postage, and it had arrived. :-) So awesome. I am going to experiment tomorrow. :-D She hung out for a bit and we discussed nailpolish, fanfic, work, porn, men, women and life over all... Damn, she is seriously so much more then a friend, she is more like a sister then anything. So much love to that woman.

Found some links I wanted to share with you guys. :-)

The Librarian in Black strikes again! It is not always easy to be a cool goth librarian, is it? Can't say I have had this happen to me though... yet... X-D
The Creepy Librarian Stalker Hypothesis

We are all slash-fans here... well, most of us anyway. So I don't think you need it explained to you, but it might be good to know HOW one could explain this... to idiots. X-D
Explaining gay rights to some serious idiots...

And we are all fans to, aren't we? Involved in a fandom or another... or plenty. :-) This Tumblr post just made me so happy. Because it is ALL so very, very true!
Fandom is...

Anyway, when making tea... I got an idea. For a ficlet/drabble. I... have no idea where this fic came from... I really don't. o.O My mind is very, very strange thing sometimes. I promised I wouldn't make a post without a ficlet/drabble during November so hence I didn't make a post yesterday. I have, however, written some scenes for the weird fic thing that won't leave my head... It is growing, damn it... I hope I can do something with it one of these days...

This is a bit... depressing, perhaps? :-P I promise I'll try and write something more cheerful to post next. :-)

Title: Not worthy
Author: KSena aka kseenaa
Rating: NC17
Fandom: Tokio Hotel
Characters: Bill, Tom, Gustav, Georg, Bushido and crew…
Pairings: To not give anything away, I won’t say. No twincest though.
Warnings: Selfharm, Depression, Non-con
Word count: 3362
Summary: Why won't you see the real me? I am not worthy...
Disclaimer: Them boys in Tokio Hotel belong to themselves, thank you very much. This never happened and is only written for entertainment.
Authors Note: Don’t know where this came from. Not for any of the prompts I was given. Came to me when I was making tea… I don’t know… Don’t ask… I am a sick puppy sometimes… Thank you to all the writers in the TH fandom who have written similar stories to this… that I wanted to turn on its head. Thank you to omgcaffeine for the quick read-through!


We’re safe here. Don’t ask, don’t tell… I snort a bit. This place, this dark club has made that American line its own… It is dark, shady… fun and just what we all want, just to let lose. Wholesome, German good boys… we are not. At least, not all of us. Not always. I know I am not. Broken. Disgusting. At least that is how I feel… It crawls in me when I smile at all them girls… and the few boys…. ‘I am not as good as you think I am! Can’t you see? Can’t you see the REAL me?!?’ They never do.

Drink. I need a drink. I can feel His eyes on my back. He doesn’t like it. But he doesn’t DO anything. Never does… I want him to. I love him. Always will… But he is better than me. I’m not worthy of him… Will never be…

I steer my way to the bathroom instead. Empty. Good. Closing the door behind me, I sit on the lid with my head in my hands… I can’t breath. Feels like I can’t get any air in my lungs… Want to crawl out of my skin… Finding the switchblade hidden in my sock, I pull my shirt up… dragging my fingers over my stomach… There are a few old scars there…. I don’t do it often, but I feel the need to now. If I don’t, I’ll burst… I let the knife drag over my skin, it tingles and I love the feeling of it… It lets some air down in my lungs. I press harder until I see some of my blood well up… It feels soooo good.. and it hurts at the same time… A whosh of air enters my lungs as I take a deep breath… I drag the blade across my muscles… Muscles I know girls all over the world would kill to touch… I don’t see why. They disgust me. The wound is shallow, the blood looks like red pearls… pretty… like Him. I let it bleed, mesmerized by the sight… when it almost reaches my jeans, I get some paper and dry it off, holding the paper against the shallow wound for a bit… I lean back, sitting on the toilet lid until it almost stops bleeding. At least enough. For now. Won’t make a mess.

Then I walk out the door, resuming my trek towards the bar. So many people… I have to press myself to the bar. A hand. Around my waist. Hard. Bruising. Possessive.

“Where’s the rest of you boys then…?” They all laugh as he asks…

I angle my head. “There. We’re all here.”

He looks. “So I see… “

I know who he wants. It is not me. I know who I want. It is not him. None of us give a fuck as he whispers in my ear what he wants to do with me… It’s crude. Disgusting… I need it and I don’t say anything as I am being dragged off… I feel His eyes on the back of my head.

We end up in the alley in the back. I’ve been here before. Many times. But not with him. His hands are hard. Bruising. Dragging across my chest. Panic. But I deserve it. No! Yes… A hard hand holding me close… He even tries to kiss me, but I turn away. It is not me he wants to kiss… I don’t want to kiss him… Hands… Lower, grabbing me. Hard. Working skilled fingers… I can’t help it, growing hard in his hands… He is good… So good… Then pushed down on my knees, I know what to do… Hands tangling in my hair, pulling… I hate that. Everyone always wants to grab hold of my hair. But I don’t say anything, I just open his jeans, and find what is there… Sucking… I am good at it. Or so I am told. He seems to agree, and pants… Don’t want to do this to him… But I don’t deserve better. I know I don’t… There is swearing above my head, and then my mouth is filled with bitter cum…

Then a voice.

“Oh fuck no!”

Dragged off… a smack… Not to me. I would have welcomed it. Still on my knees…

“Are you OK? I never thought… Talk to me, Hagen? Please… I thought he was just playing around saying that… That it was me…” He trails off…

I feel his long nails dig into my shoulders as he kneels next to me… Strong… No one thinks it, but… he is. Stronger than me.

I just lick my lips, shaking my head… bitter. Then his arms are around me. Just like I’ve always wanted them. Still, I try to pull away. So lean and strong. No. I don’t want you down here with me… in the dirt. Worth more.

“Oh, no you don’t.” You grab a hold harder. I feel your tears falling on my shoulder. “Fuck, Georg. Don’t you see? Why are you doing this to yourself? Please, let me take care of you…”

I hide under my hair, leaning against your shoulder… “Bill…”

Then your lips are on mine, and I think that maybe… Maybe you can…