kseenaa | The state of KSena's mind...

Hey ho, whoever still reads this thing.

First off, and this is important, I must say I owe a lot to

snowstormskies. We ended up in a... fight? Disagreement? I don't even know what to call it. But I nearly lost her as a friend. We solved much of our issues, and I am so so grateful to still be able to call her friend.

Because lately she has been able to help me get my mind moving.

Thing is, Alexandra wakes up every night. Every. Single. Night. And demands snuggles, gruel and then she falls asleep again. IF I'm lucky. There are times when she stays up all night. ALL NIGHT LONG. Like last night when she woke up around 1am and didn't fall asleep again until around 6am.

It drives me insane. And effects my own sleeping. When I go to bed I am so concentrated on listening for any sound at all from her room, that any sound from the apartment at all rushes me into a fight/flight mood, heart racing. This makes sure I have a hard time relaxing when going to bed. Which, what with my daughter and her nightly habits, make sure I don't sleep so very much. :-P

Combine this with the fact that I've felt more down then I've ever done since October/November or so, it's no good...

Now,

snowstormskies with her Hat Of Truth (its glorious, ask her) and her previous experiences has started nagging me to get help for this. Because I can NOT shake this down feeling... Some days are better, but... most often than not I feel down about everything and I can't even pinpoint why.

I should be happy. I should be on the top of the world. I have a wonderful man in my life,

peting73. I have the best friends one could ask for, my sister in all but blood

spicehobbit in particular. I have a HUGE extended family that is not of this world, a support-system not everyone has.

I have a daughter, Alexandra, that I struggled so hard to be able to give birth to that I love more than life itself...

And still... STILL!

It's fucked up. And the logical part of my brain realise this. But can't do anything about it.

So I will try and listen to

snowstormskies advice. I will try to find help for something I don't even know what it is. But I'll start with one thing. And that's to get help with Alexandra and her nightly habits. It's a step in the right direction at least...

Hopefully I'll have a more fun post another time with some links or something...

Over and out...

This entry is crossposted between LJ and DW. Comment where you are comfortable.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

First of all, I'm glad you're listening. *hugs* Being stuck in that rut is shitty, and I'm so glad that you're thinking about how to reach out and ask for help because it's important. You're not bad or wrong or broken for doing it - you're experiencing something that's not good for a long long time, and feeling mentally unwell. Those are good reasons to ask for help.

It doesn't matter if you have a big family or small one, have lots of money or nothing, or have a nice husband. You're allowed to feel down and depressed, and you're allowed to reach out and ask for help. Although many people are in different dire straits, it doesn't negate how you feel or what you are experiencing. My experiences are mine. Yours are yours. Comparing the two together to see who gets the pity party and who gets the help and support is a daft thing to do.

With regards to Alex, I did some net poking (see, you're not the only one who can do research) and I expect the nurse you see about Alex will be telling you the same thing: Alex is getting older and it's time for her to start sleeping through the night on her own.

When you go in there, cuddling, rocking, and giving her food, she's learnt that in order to get back to sleep when she's woken up on her own, she needs Mom and Dad's help. The thought process is "I've woken up. Damn. Time to summon mom and dad to come and help put me back there!" It's a learned behaviour - and now, it's hell. Imagine what it'll be like when she's able to get out of bed on her own and come and find you. And no, barricading yourself in your own room is not an option.

You don't have to abandon her to cry it out for hours and hours - I don't think your neighbours would appreciate that, tbh - but you need Alex to understand that if she wakes up in the middle of the night, she should put herself back to sleep again without summoning the cavalry.

Supernanny and Toddler Taming recommend something like this which is a controlled technique - you're deliberately limiting the amount of interaction she gets when she wakes up so it no longer becomes worth all that palaver for just five seconds of shushing and patting on the back.

http://www.babycentre.co.uk/a1027930/crying-it-out

And I do suggest Toddler Taming as a book - http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Toddler-Taming-bestselling-parenting/dp/0091902584 It's quite possibly the thing that saved my mother's sanity with me and my brother. XD Everything you could need to know and it's not judgey judgey book like some. It starts out with the "This is my problem," and then it offers solutions. Sleep patterns get a WHOLE chapter, too. *parent owns an old edition*

I actually found that book, Toddler Taming, at Adlibris where I always buy my books from... For the same price. VERY interesting... *considers this now* It'll have to wait until I get money though. :-P

Neither our neighbors nor Peting would appreciate Alexandra crying for hours. I am doing fine with 5-6 hours (un-disturbed) sleep. It's how I've always worked. Peting, however, sometimes needs up to 10 hours of sleep, and since he gets up at 4:30am in the morning, well... You can imagine the clusterfuck it is. I NEED her to fall asleep so Peting won't have to get up and get grumpy and not be able to work the next day. :-/ It's tough as fuck.

I know she's learned this now, that hey... I can't fall asleep unless mom or dad is in here... The funny thing is, a couple of months ago she was fine! She's been fine ever since she moved into her own room! We put her to bed, gave her a kiss, her pacifier and sleeping-Eeyore, and she'd fall asleep all by herself. And sleep all night... Then in September or October or something... She started this new regime. And I don't even know why. *shakes head*

For the record I LOVE Supernanny, so if that Toddler Taming book is anything like it, I'll love it to. Now... Just to wait until I get my money so I can order it. :-P

The state of KSena's mind...

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